


if you’re gonna break my heart, this is a good start

by wolfbitez



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Blink and you’ll miss it, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Strangers to Lovers, johnny is sexy, lapslock intentional, mark has some serious self esteem issues, mark lee centric, slight angst, slowburn, stoners au, weed warning lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24562690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfbitez/pseuds/wolfbitez
Summary: one morning, mark meets his roommate’s friend with benefits.nothing is the same since
Relationships: Mark Lee/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 38
Kudos: 316





	if you’re gonna break my heart, this is a good start

**Author's Note:**

> writing this almost killed me. i finished this within a two day no sleep writing binge completely fueled by coffee and weed.
> 
> now that it is finished . . . i am finally free . . . to rest . . . (dissipates into dust and blows away in the breeze)
> 
> in all seriousness enjoy !! teehee

the first time mark met johnny, he wasn’t certain he was real.

to be fair, he had every reason to believe that johnny was a hallucination. mark had passed out early the night before, the exhaustion from exams and studying getting the best of his poor, tired brain. thus he rose much earlier the following morning than he needed to, but he couldn’t get himself to go back to sleep, so he hobbled weakly out of bed on sleep-laden limbs and down the hall of the apartment to start his day.

mark rubbed the sore sleepiness from his eyes as he yawned, morning light filtering through the windows of the kitchen as he emerged from the hallway, casting a hazy yellow glow that made everything glow whimsically. his hands fell from his face as he blinked away the blurriness from his sight, groaning softly at the sting behind his eyes while they adjusted to the light. as his vision came into focus, he could sense someone standing in his peripheral. he perked up, turning eagerly to face who he assumed was taeyong, his roommate. he didn’t expect him to be up this early.

except, the man he was met with was not taeyong. no; mark lee was face to face with six feet of pure eye candy. he was wearing gray sweats (mark noted with a gulp as he marvelled for a moment at the dick print on this man--holy shit) and a dark green hoodie, making him look even more broad and...kinda cuddly. he had beautiful golden skin and a sleep-tousled head of fluffy hair that stuck up any which way. he had the face of a god, his features so perfect; he looked otherworldly. and he was just sitting there, one hand in his pocket, the other holding a cup of coffee up to his lips, the steam screening his face behind a gentle haze, peering up at mark with warm, glittery, unmoving eyes. he glowed, backlit brilliantly by the rosy first rays of sunrise, so much so than mark thought for just a second that maybe he was an angel. he thought for a moment that he was seriously so sleep deprived that he was hallucinating tall, gorgeous men in his kitchen. mark stared back at the stranger with wide eyes, his mouth parted despite having such a hard time finding words.

“um,” the stranger started, his voice smooth and handsome, immediately addicting, “good morning.”

mark blinked, wordless still, before clearing his throat, and he raised and waved his hand, gently and slightly awkward.

“morning. sorry, uh,” mark heard as his confusion just started pouring out of his mouth, “who are you?”

the taller man mirrored mark’s slow blink before he perked.

“oh, yeah, sorry. i’m johnny.”

his voice, fuck. it sounded like honey.

“i’m mark.” he said, out of the lack of anything better to say.

johnny gave a slight bow of his head; polite, and cute.

“hi, mark.”

they shared a quiet, slightly tense moment. johnny took a sip of his coffee, both of them being able to hear the click of his adam’s apple as he swallowed. the air felt too thick to breathe.

“great. now that we’re familiar,” mark began gently, “why are you...in my kitchen at six in the morning?”

johnny’s lips drew into a line, making him look a little flustered.

“o-oh, i’m with taeyong. he mentioned he had a roommate. i think you were asleep when we got here.”

“yeah, i guess so.” mark replied flatly. another silence fell between them, and johnny’s eyes moved to the floor, his feet shifting a little where he stood. 

so, johnny was “with” taeyong. mark immediately knew what that probably meant, and he felt a small, wistful part of him wither away. he fought the internal battle in order not to audibly sigh, and instead hummed, his voice low and sleepy, rumbling like thunder in the dense, silent air between them.

“so, you spent the night, i’m assuming. you two must be close.” mark stated, mustering a nonchalant shrug, small and effortless. he didn’t want to seem disappointed. but, fuck, he was so disappointed. he was so hot.

johnny just huffed an airy laugh, his eyes shrinking as his smile spread across his face warmly. it made mark’s heart flutter, despite his desperate attempts to smother it.

“yeah, i guess you could say that.” the taller man said, his voice easing into something more comfortable. mark gave him a smile in return before pointing to where johnny had positioned himself in front of the counter.

“uh, you think you can slide over so i can get to the coffee machine?” mark asked. johnny’s eyebrows twitched up slightly, a gently rosy blush seeping over his cheeks as he wordlessly sidled along the counter to allow access. 

mark giggled; he couldn’t hold it back. he made his way comfortably toward johnny, settling by his side as he drew a coffee mug from the cabinet and poured himself some coffee. he could feel johnny’s eyes on him, just merely a foot away, and his heart trembled miserably in his chest at the thought.

“you look young,” johnny said gently, “how old are you?”

“i’m twenty.” mark responded, turning slightly to peer at johnny through his bangs. 

“aww, twenty? i’m twenty-five,” johnny replied brightly, a smile soft on his lips, “you’re like a little baby.”

“shut up.” mark said, his tone lacking any venom. johnny laughed sweetly in his direction, his pretty smile captivating mark’s attention; his full lips and perfect set of teeth. it almost annoyed him how perfect he was. it made his stomach do flips. flustered, annoyed flips.

“i’m literally a twenty year old adult, don’t call me a baby.” mark continued, his head lolling to one side. johnny’s lips twitched into a smirk.

“well, you gotta be honest with yourself, you look pretty young.”

mark scoffed, “i look perfectly normal, thank you.”

“bro, c’mon, with those big puppy eyes? you’re gonna look twelve for the rest of your life.” johnny laughed, bumping elbows playfully with mark. the younger glared, his face flushing hot and rosy pink. johnny definitely noticed, pointing at his reddened cheeks.

“look at you, you’re pouting, so cute!” johnny nearly cooed, his smile too warm, too addicting. it made mark’s heart race, his skin thumping with his pulse, his cheeks hot. mark mustered a scowl, taking a sip of his coffee to keep himself from smiling. 

“what are you doing up this early anyway, kid?” johnny asked, his words blanketed in a smirk. mark turned to him with a pointed look.

“i woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. why are you even up, huh?” mark quickly redirected the question, looking up at johnny with challenging eyes. the elder flashed that perfect grin of his, the one so wide it makes his eyes shrink. 

“well,” he started, his eyes dancing over mark’s face, “personally, i was gonna wake-and-bake.” as he spoke, he withdrew a joint from the front pocket of his hoodie, and then a lighter from his sweats pocket. he held them and stared expectantly at mark; the younger had his eyes glued on johnny’s hands. he felt his cheeks heat as his eyes danced along the veins that ran down the elder’s hands.

johnny pulled away from the counter with a smirk, and then he tucked the joint behind his ear as he walked away from the kitchen.

“you can join me, if you’d like. i’ll be on the balcony.” johnny said over his shoulder.

and then he was gone. mark stood alone in the kitchen, silent. he blinked a couple times, just baffled. he still wasn’t completely sure that johnny was real. he took a long sip of his coffee, cleared his throat, shuffled around for a moment, and took a sip of his coffee again. this could go poorly. he didn’t know how “together” johnny and taeyong were yet. but it was just a joint. just a joint. and he’s so hot. 

mark started quickly out of the kitchen to the balcony, his fluffy bed head bouncing with his steps.

he slid open the sliding glass door, and he was met with the sight of johnny with the joint lit between his fingers, sitting on the couch with his legs stretched out, staring out at the rising sun. his head lolled to the side and he locked eyes with mark’s before a grin melted across his face. he motioned for mark to sit next to him, and the younger obliged cautiously. johnny hit the joint as mark sat down, and then passed it to him as he got settled down. mark took it and raised it to his lips, his eyes cast downward as his cheeks flushed, the idea of it having been in johnny’s mouth making him strangely flustered. he could feel johnny’s eyes on him as he drew smoke deep into his lungs, holding it in briefly, his gaze flickering up to meet johnny’s. the smoke veiled his face, making him look unreal again. mark quickly looked away and passed the joint back, letting his head fall back on the couch. their fingers touching as johnny took the joint back was embarrassingly electric, making mark’s insides erupt.

“so,” johnny started before he took another hit, his voice deep and warm, “tell me more about yourself.”

mark’s eyes slid to look at johnny, “like what?” his vision felt warm and fuzzy already, the smoke swirling between their faces. 

“i don’t know,” johnny passed the joint to mark, “what’s your major?”

mark took a long hit, feeling the tingle in the back of his throat before he let the smoke spill over his lips; “dance or music production. not completely sure yet. you?”

johnny took the joint back between his fingers, “photography.”

“really?” mark was surprised, for some reason. he didn’t really take him for a photographer. it was kinda hot, though. it made him seem more sophisticated for some reason. photography just seemed like a mature profession, in mark’s eyes. johnny nodded simply, and mark huffed a small laugh. 

“are you any good?”

johnny laughed, soft and deep. 

“i sure hope so, but i think i have something going for me, maybe.” he passed the joint to mark. the younger didn’t take it. 

“show me some of your work or something.” mark said, his eyes gleaming hopefully, making johnny smile. the elder pulled his phone from his pocket, turning to mark eagerly. 

“here, i’ll show you.” he said, nearly a whisper, probably more to himself that to mark.

he reached his hand out to mark’s face and put the joint up to his lips. mark felt as if every atom in his body stopped moving. he took the joint between his lips and drew in a trembling breath. johnny pulled the joint away and raised his phone camera. 

“now look at me.” he whispered. mark tilted his head to the side, in johnny’s direction. the elder placed a finger under mark’s chin, angling his face upward, their gazes catching. he pulled away and set up the shot. mark finally let himself breath as he stared at johnny, the smoke spilling over his lips and swirling in the early morning sunlight like fire dancing in the air. johnny snapped away, mark’s heavy glassy eyes following his every move. 

just as mark thought that he would like to stay like that forever, it was over. johnny was suddenly was holding his phone in front of mark’s face, and mark was staring back at himself. 

“you tell me if i’m any good.” johnny said, his words shaped through his smile. mark gingerly took the phone from his hand and stared into his own eyes. 

it was embarrassing how obvious he looked in the picture. his cheeks so rosy they were practically glowing, the part of his lips, the adoration pouring from his eyes like honey. but, despite that, it was truly strange to be looking at himself that way. he had never seen himself look quite the way he did in that photo. he stared long and hard into his own unfamiliar gaze. it was strange. and beautiful. he wanted to cover his face. he kinda wanted to throw johnny’s phone off the balcony entirely. he calmly handed it back instead. 

“wow. yeah, you’re really good.” mark said wistfully, his eyes glittering. johnny bowed his head thankfully, taking a moment to stare at the photo. he analyzed it for a long time, making mark blush. 

“well, i got kinda lucky. you’ve got one of the prettiest faces i’ve ever seen, i think.” johnny breathed, his eyes lost in the picture. mark feels as if his heart stopped beating and just went dead in his chest. 

“i don’t even get shots like this with taeyong. it’s in your eyes; those big, pretty eyes you have. no one i’ve ever met has eyes like you.” johnny looked mark in the eyes the entire time he spoke, his gaze deep and searching. mark swallowed, the haziness of his brain and his limbs making his heart thunder so loud it felt like they were in the middle of a storm. 

“what’s up with you and taeyong, anyway?” mark asked, searching deep into johnny’s gaze. the elder shrugged, taking one last hit of the joint, all without his eyes ever leaving mark’s, before passing the last bit to mark, who accepted gratefully. 

“taeyong. we’re friends.”

“pretty good friends.” mark said before taking a hit. 

“friends with benefits. so yeah, pretty good friends.”

mark noted that carefully. friends with benefits. 

“how long have you known taeyong?” he asked. 

“about a year now, i think. the sexual favors are real occasional, though. we’re friends more than anything. tae just gets stressed during exams and needs to...relieve tension.” johnny answers. mark nods, biting the inside of his cheek. 

“i see. so just friends?” mark asked, far too eager. johnny laughed, light and short. 

“what, you have a thing for taeyong or something?” the elder asked, his voice so deep and sweet and delicious that it made mark sick, his stomach trembling, his tongue moving before his brain could catch up with itself. 

“no.” he breathed, simply and softly. his heart was beating so hard he was sure johnny could hear it, too. the latter was staring at him with such heavy, dark eyes. a smile spread across his face, slowly, slyly, making mark blush before he broke eye contact, crossing his arms. 

“i was just asking.” mark said, voice barely above a whisper. johnny chuckled.

“mm-hm.” he hummed darkly, in a way so deep and warm that it stirred mark right up, like it poured inside of him and lit all his limbs on fire. it was so hard to catch his breath. he felt like johnny wasn’t real; that he was gonna disappear after any second. it made his heart pound and his mind race. 

“shit, i haven’t smoked in a long time.” mark uttered breathlessly, his head falling back on the couch, his eyes fluttering closed as his spirit followed his body and settled back in his skull again. 

“you good?” johnny asked softly, leaning in considerably closer, his presence warm on mark’s skin. the latter gasped, gentle and small, his heart shivering in his chest, his eyes warm and his eyelids heavy. 

“yeah, i’m good. really good;” mark spoke breathlessly, feeling the warmth radiate through his veins, “wow, where did you get this?”

“friend of a friend,” johnny replied, laying back and going slack on the couch as well, “it’s nice, isn’t it?”

god, his voice was addicting. 

“yeah.” mark whispered. he could feel every nerve, every jolt of energy in his body, if he just sat still enough. it made him sigh, his muscles relaxing. his eyes slid open, slow as molasses, and he took in the sunrise. in the corner of his eye, he could see johnny, staring at him. he just blushed silently; he couldn’t look away from the sun. the clouds draped over the golden goddess herself, the darkness bleeding out of the sky into the soft, light blue of morning. other than the singing birds, the streets were silent, and yet the world felt alive. mark took a deep breath of the cool air. 

they spaced out, and some amount of time passed—neither johnny nor mark could have told you how much—before the sliding door to the balcony flew open. johnny and mark both perked, startled at the noise, as taeyong stuck his head out the door. his face became plastered with confusion, his eyebrows stern on his face. 

“johnny, why are you still here? more importantly, why are you smoking out my roommate?” taeyong asked pointedly. johnny put up his hands defensively, leaning away from mark. the latter felt the loss of heat tremendously. 

“hey, we’re just hanging out! no big deal!” johnny tried. taeyong looked like he was actively fighting off rolling his eyes. 

“yes, it would be ‘no big deal,’ if you weren’t skipping a class right now to smoke weed on my balcony. also mark, you better not be skipping anything too, or i’ll pop a blood vessel.”

“i’m not!” mark cried immediately, “i’m not, i promise.”

“good. okay, fine, good. wrap it up, you two. i’m gonna take a shower.” taeyong said dismissively, closing the door behind him, gently, meaning he wasn’t mad anymore. johnny laughed, his eyes scrunching closed, his head leaning toward mark’s. 

“he’s so funny.” johnny said beneath his breath, his smile soft on his lips. mark stared at him, his eyes so warm and attentive with adoration that he felt like they were steaming. johnny almost seemed as if he felt it, his gaze flickering back to meet mark’s, a glisten in his dark irises that mark swore he could physically feel.

the younger didn’t even say anything. he just stared at johnny, at the side of his face, and he stared for a long time. just taking him all in; johnny was a whole lot of man, with a lot of meat on his bones. mark felt he could stare at him for hours. pure eye-candy. 

johnny’s head lolled to the side. he locked gazes with mark, and a wistful smile spread slowly across his lips. 

“i’m already late. if you’re not busy, i can stay.” the words came from johnny’s lips like the fluttering of butterfly wings. mark could feel them in his stomach. 

“i don’t have class until ten.” mark’s voice came out a whisper on accident. 

johnny stared deep into his eyes, so far that mark could feel him under his skin. his next breath drew in shakily.

johnny stared at him, and he smiled. 

“okay.”

“okay, then.”

johnny turned away with a soft laugh, his profile framed by the morning sun. mark looked at him, drinking in the view eagerly. the way he was positioned right in front of the sun, it’s rays scattered around his head like a halo, and mark really had a hard time believing he was real at that point. it was just so crazy. how could a man be so...perfect? just like that? it made butterflies wake from their deep slumber and start going ballistic in his guts, a sensation he wasn’t so used to. it made him want to squirm where he sat, drawing in a breath with shaky ribs. it made him want to shudder, electricity running through his nerves, all the way through the tips of his fingers to the tips of his toes to the very spines of his ribs. his heart thundered in a way it never had before, and it felt like he was drowning. every breath only filled his lungs with something that felt like fire, and breathing became useless. he just listened to the thumping of his pulse as it ran through his ears and lit his chest on fire. 

the tremor in his heart as he stared at johnny was almost unbearable, but it hurt so good, and he never wanted it to stop. 

//

mark sat cross legged on the counter, digging around lazily in his cereal bowl. the florescent bulbs of their kitchen beamed through the 3 am darkness, and music playing softly from mark’s phone kept the silence from creeping in too tight. 

mark spent all night studying for an exam he had the next day, and then the nerves wouldn’t let him sleep. he thought a snack would do; just some time to be alone and relax. taeyong hadn’t been home all night, so the apartment was silent other than mark. he felt like he was the only person awake for miles. although, that probably wasn’t true. it was exam season after all. 

he jumped at the sound of the lock jiggling on the front door. he settled as it opened gently, and taeyong peered around the side. 

“oh, hey. didn’t think you’d be up.” taeyong said quietly, closing and locking the door behind him. mark put his bowl in the sink before leaning back against the cupboards, staring at the wall across the room. 

“yeah, i wish i wasn’t.” he sighed. taeyong turned to him, a glimmer of light in his eyes. 

“yeah? you alright?” he said as he made his way into the kitchen. mark made a dismissive sound. 

“i’m fine, it’s nothing. just nervous about exams and everything.”

“oh, come on,” taeyong started, knitting his eyebrows together, “you have nothing to worry about, mark. you got this in the bag.”

taeyong hopped up on the counter, sitting next to mark. the younger leaned into him, and the elder draped an arm across his shoulders. mark sighed dejectedly. 

“hey, i mean it. you really got this. there’s nothing to be worried about. it’s not as crazy as the high school teachers make it out to be. just trust yourself. i know you’re prepared.” taeyong said, shouldering mark gently. he smiled, soft and warm, looking up at taeyong appreciatively. 

“i’ll just do my best.”

taeyong shrugged slightly, “fine, i’ll take that.”

“where were you?” mark asked. taeyong slid off the counter and opened the fridge. 

“johnny’s.” he answered simply. mark stared at him as he pulled takeout from the fridge and popped it in the microwave. 

“oh...johnny?” mark said quietly. taeyong started heating up his food, the sound of the microwave ruminating through the room. 

“yeah, you met him, right? a couple weeks ago?” taeyong mentioned. mark didn’t respond. he remembered well. 

“right, i meant to apologize about that,” taeyong said, “i usually never have him over, out of respect to you. i would've told you about him coming that night, but you were asleep when we got home anyway. i hope he didn’t freak you out that morning or anything.”

mark perked at taeyong’s words. his heart skipped a beat in his chest. 

“no, no, it’s totally fine. i don’t mind at all. he was actually really nice.”

“oh, well, good. he’s a good guy.”

a moment of silence fell between them. 

“you don’t mind if i bring him home sometimes, right? just occasionally?”

“fine by me,” mark answered far too quickly, “go right ahead, by all means. don’t let me hold anything back for you, bro.”

taeyong smiled at mark, laughing at his youthful benevolence. 

“cool. thanks.”

silence settled between them for a long moment. just the sound of the microwave humming before beeping, and taeyong taking his food out and getting chopsticks. 

“how did you meet johnny?” mark found himself asking before thinking. taeyong took a bite of his food. 

“mm. a smoke circle at my first college party. he showed me how to make a pipe out of an apple that night. we’ve been best friends since.”

for some reason, as silly as it was, that made mark’s heart swell, a smile melting across his face. 

“but, yeah, we’ve known each other for a while now. he’s a really great guy; never met anyone like him.”

mark bit the inside of his cheek. he felt that. 

“he’s also really hot, obviously. we hooked up for the first time, like, six months ago, i think?”

“do you like him?” mark asked abruptly. 

“no. not like that, at least. johnny is sexy because that’s just how he is. but, before that, to me, he’s my friend.”

mark nodded thoughtfully at that. taeyong grinned. 

“so, no, i don’t like him. i love his dick though. do you wanna know how fucking massive his dick is?”

mark erupted into flames, his cheeks red hot. 

“please spare me the details.” he said weakly. taeyong laughed, full and warm, before stuffing more of his food in his mouth. 

“alright, okay. i won’t. hey, get to bed soon. you have exams tomorrow, don’t wanna be tired for that. i’m going to bed myself.” taeyong said, turning out of the kitchen and starting down the hallway to his bedroom. 

“goodnight, hyung.” mark called after him. taeyong called a goodnight back before closing himself into his room. 

mark was once again alone. the silence of the kitchen rung around him, vibrated in the walls and in the air. he swallowed, his adam’s apple clicking quietly. his mind strayed, remembering johnny. remembering his deep laugh, his warm eyes, his strangely attractive hands. 

mark shook his head, trying to knock the thoughts loose. he slid off the counter, his feet hitting the ground in a soft sound, feeling all too loud and too big for the world he stood on. he took a deep sigh, walking out of the kitchen, clicking the light off behind him as he disappeared into the darkness of the hallway to follow taeyong into sleep. his stomach turned nervously, just slightly. 

//

mark didn’t take into account how much he would be hurting himself when he told taeyong he was allowed to bring johnny over. 

of course, he jumped to answer because he wanted to see johnny more. there was that part of him that urged over and over that the elder man didn’t even exist; that he was too good to be true. mark had the unwavering urge to see johnny more, to make sure he was real, that he wasn’t just meeting him in dreams. but, he bit off more than he could chew. johnny’s visits became more and more frequent. it became a little tiring, spending about a month of his life watching from the couch as johnny and taeyong would stumble into the apartment late at night before disappearing in a fit of soft laughter into the darkness of taeyong’s room, the door closing intently behind them. or the times when he would wake up and johnny would be in their kitchen like always, standing there all simple and casual, as if he wasn’t god’s favorite creation walking on earth’s undeserving soil, and he would have that morning-after glow and vitality. probably the only energy that he had to spend any time with mark. 

mark. he winced at the idea of himself. his hot friend’s younger roommate, always in the background of their passionate exchanges. always in the other room. always so close, yet always so unbearably far. 

that’s probably all he was to johnny. they only ever spoke in the smallest blinks in the middle of time. they only spoke when the world spun slow enough for their paths to intertwine, before they had to leave each other again. they lived in practically different orbits. yet mark couldn’t get johnny off of his fucking mind. since the moment they met he was addicted, hooked on the depth of johnny’s voice, the warmth of his beauty, the smoke between their faces, the tremble that ran through his nerves when their eyes met. he couldn’t get enough. he wanted to drown in it. but to johnny, he was probably hardly an acquantainc. just his fuck buddy’s roommate. always just conveniently placed for small talk; for tender smiles and fluttering gazes, but nothing more. nothing more than that. 

mark slammed his fists into his eyes, desperate to look at something other than his ceiling, his senses fading into blackness as he drew in a shaky breath. 

he hadn’t been able to sleep for days at that point. restlessness burned like acid behind his eyes. he wanted his bed to swallow him whole. 

the light of the moon high in the sky filtered across his room through his blinds, lines of silver decorating his walls. he stared at them, feeling his breath flow through his lungs mindlessly. he sighed, his eyes heavy. he just wanted to sleep. 

mark felt like the room tilted sideways as he startled at the distant sound of the front door opening. he laid extremely still in his bed, his eyes glued to the trails of moonlight on his wall. 

he listened with every ounce of his attention. he heard footsteps down the hallway; more than one person. he heard a pair of laughing whispers, soft urges for each other to be quiet. mark felt it immediately; johnny’s voice, he could feel it deep in his chest, making his pulse turn electric. 

mark turned under his covers, away from the door, away from taeyong and johnny’s voices ruminating gently through the hallway. he turned and looked out his window. he saw the moon, standing tall and proud in the dark sky, perfectly positioned between the blinds for mark to see her in her entirety. he stared at the moon, and he felt as if it stared back at him. the stars twinkled wistfully in the sky as mark heard the pair stumble into taeyong’s room before falling under silence. 

mark stared at the moon for a long time, unblinking, silent in thought. 

for people who apparently were only friends, mark and taeyong sure did have a lot of sex. like, a lot of it. at first, mark understood it. he wasn’t a huge sex-haver himself, but he acknowledged that some got more out of it than he typically did. it made sense that taeyong liked to have sex to relieve tension, especially during exams. it made sense that johnny came over a lot during exams. 

but exams were over. as mark stared at the moon, he really realized, that exams were long over. and johnny and taeyong still had quite a lot of supposedly platonic sex. it made his stomach twist uncomfortably, his eyes falling from his window. 

he felt the bitter feeling of guilt pool in his gut. he had no reason to be protective over johnny. he could barely call them friends, let alone romantically involved. he really had no reason to feel this way. other than he just simply couldn’t help it. he had never met someone who made him feel the way that johnny did. he couldn’t shake the idea that he was feeling this way for a reason. that he and johnny knew each other for a reason. he just couldn’t help it; he wanted johnny so bad. 

mark heard voices through the walls. he couldn’t hear what they said, but he felt every word that fell from johnny’s lips, felt the tone of his voice, felt the intent in his warmth. his gut clenched horribly, swallowing as he heard the two shuffling around in the room next door. 

mark held his breath as the whole apartment fell into a stillness; a silence so thick in the air it could be cut with a knife. 

noises started melting through the walls, and mark tried desperately to ignore it. he squeezed his eyes shut, burying himself deep in his covers. 

the deepness of johnny’s voice rumbled through every wall, and mark could feel it as it zipped through each one of his ribs, a chill shivering through his spine as he drew in a deep, shaky breath. 

he was paralyzed. he couldn’t move even if he wanted to. and he didn’t; he shoved away the guilt and the shame as he turned his face into his pillow, listening intently. he felt johnny’s presence, so close, yet still so far. he longed for him with his whole body, his pulse setting on fire. his heart thundered so hard through him that he swore he could feel it in his mattress. 

after a while, he bolted upright in bed. what the fuck was he doing. his hands shook as he dug through his nightstand for earbuds, hastily shoving them in his ears and opening his phone. 

he played some music blaringly loud into his head, as if it could wash away what he was listening to before. he slammed his head back into his pillow and found himself staring at his ceiling again. his stupid fucking ceiling that he feels like he’s been staring at for the last week straight. he took a deep breath, trying with all of his energy to keep his attention on the music. 

his head fell to the side, and his gaze met with the moon again. the moonlight pooled on his face, cooling his hot, blushing cheeks. he took a breath, and another, trying to cool the flames in his gut. 

his music played so loud that nothing else could pierce the sound. he enjoyed the peace, his strumming pulse slowing a bit. he sighed, staring at the moon intently. 

“what’s wrong with me?” he whispered to the moon. it stayed silent, just flowing steadily and peacefully. yet, mark felt like it had heard him. it soothed him a bit. 

mark rolled into his side, his eyes closing. he didn’t sleep at all that night. he stayed turned on his side with his eyes closed, the moon watching him from behind, protecting him. 

//

it was a beautiful day. the sky was a brilliant blue, streaked with few and thin white clouds that made strange swirls across the expanse. 

mark knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on a day like that, anyway, but he was still frustrated as he spent basically the whole school day staring out the window, lost in a daydream. 

he would be less annoyed if he wasn’t still caught up on johnny. since that one night, nothing was the same. if the world shifted when mark first met johnny, that night flipped the whole earth upside down. 

mark saw a little piece of johnny in everything. he couldn’t stop thinking about him, no matter what he did, no matter where he went. every morning, he woke up praying that he’d turn the corner and johnny would be in his kitchen. sometimes, he would be, and mark would spend the rest of his day longing. and then other times, he wouldn’t, and mark would start his day with the bar in hell. it was a lose-lose loop, an endless cycle, and mark was dying to break free. 

he left class early that day, said he had an appointment he had forgotten about. he was just going crazy. he skateboarded home a little faster than he usually would. he soaked up the warm afternoon, the shade of the trees, the feeling of the cracks in the sidewalk rippling up his legs, the sunlight speckling the pavement. it was a beautiful day, really. he couldn’t possibly be expected to spend a day like this in school. 

mark distantly felt that he wanted to see johnny. he wanted to see him so bad, for almost no reason. the only justification he had for his unrelenting desire to see johnny was that it was a beautiful afternoon for some weed. the last time mark smoked was with johnny that one time on the balcony. 

mark had bought more weed again recently. his guy was surprised to see him, since it had been so long. but mark longed for johnny so bad, the way he made him feel like he was walking through the clouds. he wanted that feeling again. he couldn’t stay away from it. 

seriously. mark found a little piece of johnny in everything. he haunted him everywhere he went. 

mark charged up the steps to the apartment, dropping his skateboard on the porch as he wedged his key into the lock of the front door. 

he struggled shortly; after that one time they had a party and accidentally locked doyoung out, his drunken fight to get back inside never left their front door’s lock quite the same. finally, mark got the door open, and let it swing ajar. he stepped in, distracted by something on his phone. he dropped his keys in the key bowl in the foyer, kicking off his shoes before taking a step deeper into the house. 

“hey.” a deep voice rang through the silence like a bell. mark seized completely still, the voice encapsulating him in amber, fossilized. it sent that familiar feeling of electricity through his veins. he turned slowly to meet the speaker, even though he knew damn well who it was. 

“h-hi, johnny.” mark said breathlessly. his eyes met with the man; he was in skinny jeans and a hoodie, sitting on the counter in the kitchen. he smiled warmly, and mark felt it in every corner of his body. 

“um,” mark started, “you scared the shit out of me.”

johnny perked at that, his shoulders falling apologetically. 

“oh, sorry. did taeyong tell you he gave me a key?”

okay. that explained a lot. but, at the same time, it made mark’s chest clench, and he felt like the air was too thick to breathe. they were on the giving-each-other-keys-to-our-apartments level now, huh? it made mark want to cry, just slightly. he quickly shook the feeling away. 

“no. he didn’t tell me.”

“oh, sorry. i didn’t mean to scare you. i didn’t think you’d be home.” johnny said, his voice dripping in tender sincerity. it made mark want to grab his hair and pull it all out. it also made him want to curl up in johnny’s arms and die there. 

“sorry, i’m not supposed to be. sorry if i’m interrupting something,” mark started hollowly, his attention falling back to his phone, “when is taeyong supposed to be here?”

johnny slid himself off the counter, gingerly, somehow. everything johnny did was strangely elegant, even when it wasn’t. 

“hey, c’mon, don’t talk like that. you’re my friend, too. i don’t just come here for taeyong.” johnny said, his face soft, his voice earnest. mark looked up from his phone, astounded. he just stared at johnny, wordless, breathless. the air got thicker the longer no one spoke. and neither of them spoke for a long, long while. 

“he’s not coming home for a couple hours, i was waiting for him to get off work,” johnny’s voice came gently and warm, “so, we can hang out, for a bit. only if you want, of course.”

mark stared at johnny longer, his words still jumbled and jammed horribly in his throat. he nodded, sudden and eager. it made a smile spread across johnny’s face as he approached mark slowly. 

“yeah,” mark said, mainly out of nervousness as johnny drew closer, “i don’t mind. i was ditching class to smoke, if you wanna join me.” 

the words left mark’s lips lightly, unsure. johnny smiled, handsome as ever. 

“that sounds perfect.”

mark smiled, small and shy. 

johnny sat with mark on the couch as he rolled them a joint. mark was a good roller, and he definitely knew it. he was hoping johnny would notice and think something of it. 

mark tried not to think too hard about why johnny was here so early if he was waiting for taeyong. he knew if he thought about it too much, his head would eventually explode, and he’d make a huge mess in front of johnny. that was the last thing he wanted. 

he pushed the thought away, licking the rolling paper and swiftly curling the joint in his fingers, rolling it tightly closed. 

“all done.” he announced gently. johnny knew already; he was watching him the whole time. but he felt the need to say something anyway. 

mark looked to the balcony; johnny noticed that, too. 

“hey, wait, you know where would be a good place to smoke this?” he asked, taking the joint from between mark’s fingers with a smile. the younger looked at him with inquisitive eyes. johnny just rose off the couch with a grin, urging with his eyes for mark to follow him. 

mark stuck to johnny’s heels loyally as he led them out of the apartment. they started up a few flights of stairs, and out of nervousness, mark refused the bubbling urge to ask where the hell they were going. 

after a long enough trek for mark to begin feeling uncomfortable and close to complaining, johnny stopped on a floor that seemed like the last one. he opened the door that emerged as they made their way up the last few steps. mark followed him through. 

the door opened up to the roof of the apartment building. mark walked out into the barren, strange concrete environment. mark looked across the top of the building at the beautiful afternoon sky over the hazy city. the breeze was gentle and cool, and mark could feel it coursing through his hair as he marveled at the sight. johnny turned back to him and smiled brilliantly. 

“isn’t it nice? you can see everyone, but they can’t see you.” he said wistfully. mark looked away from johnny to hide the look he knew he must’ve had in his eyes from the way his heart clenched miserably in his chest. 

“yeah. the view is amazing up here.”

johnny laughed and agreed over his shoulder as he walked toward the edge of the roof. mark followed like a loyal puppy, drooling at johnny’s feet. 

johnny sat down on the ground, pressing his back against the wall, and he looked back at mark with expectant eyes. the younger settled right next to him, his heart skipping a beat as their arms brushed. 

johnny wielded the joint between his fingers, pulling a lighter out of his hoodie pocket; a neon green one. somewhere distantly in his mind, mark thought it was really cool, his eyes gluing to it in johnny’s hand. 

“do you just keep that on you all the time?” mark asked with a soft laugh, and johnny smirked. 

“maybe i do.” johnny said. 

he raised the joint up to mark’s face, and the younger stared at it, his breath caught in his throat. he took it between his lips. johnny cupped his hand around the end, shielding the flame from the breeze as he lit it. mark stared johnny in the eyes as he drew the smoke deep into his lungs, tingling fully in his chest, like a fire crackling and roaring to life inside of him. 

johnny pulled the joint from mark’s mouth before putting it in his own, inhaling long and hard without ever losing eye contact. mark’s heart pounded relentlessly. 

“how do you even know about this place? i live here, not you.” mark asked through a warm smile, small on his lips. johnny let the smoke tumble over his lips as he laughed. 

“don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.” he said. his voice made a shiver ripple down mark’s spine, still so intoxicating, even then. 

“what, you really can’t tell me?”

“you wouldn’t wanna hear it.”

“you do realize that only makes me want to hear more.”

johnny threw his head back, laughing sweetly. 

“you’re, stubborn kid.” he said, his voice far too tender. mark took the joint from johnny’s hand, taking a long puff off of it as he stared into his eyes. 

“i told you once,” mark started lowly, “i’m not a kid.” the smoke rolled out of his mouth in between their faces as he spoke. he swore he saw johnny’s eyes dart to his lips for a split second; blink and you’ll miss it.

“fine, mr. grownup. i came here with taeyong, since you wanna know so bad.” johnny said slyly, taking the joint back with a spark in his eye. mark looked at him with quirked eyebrows. 

“with taeyong? you don’t mean…?” he asked. johnny just took a hit, the smile never leaving his lips. mark groaned. 

“seriously? roof sex? you guys are ridiculous,for real.” mark said disdainfully. johnny turned his head to him. 

“hey, don’t knock it until you try it.” he said. it made mark shudder again. he was surprised he was still able to hold conversation at this point. 

“uh, i won’t be trying it, actually. that’s gross as hell.” mark said, holding out his hand for the joint. johnny passed it to him, and he took a short hit, watching the smoke roll away in the wind. 

“have it your way,” johnny said, his voice nearly a purr with how low it got, “but you never know; you might like it.”

his voice was too much; too sincere, too intent, too deep, it was coiling all through mark’s body, constricting him until he couldn’t breathe. he didn’t want to think about it. he took a long, purposeful hit off of the joint before passing back to johnny. he didn’t want to think at all. he nearly choked on the smoke, but he kept it down to a few weak coughs. 

a silence settled between them. in the silence, mark began to feel the world spinning on a slightly new axis, the weed beginning to blur his thoughts around their edges. soon enough, he couldn’t think about anything at all. anything other than johnny’s warmth beside him; the feeling of their skin meeting when their fingers brushed between passing the joint until it was all gone, and even still, they sat in more silence. they somehow ended up being pressed flush together, their arms touching. mark prayed that johnny couldn’t feel his heartbeat thundering beneath his skin in their proximity. 

“so, um,” mark started awkwardly, just to change the subject, “how are you and taeyong?” 

johnny looked at him, and mark read the confusion in his eyes. mark read all of johnny’s face; all the time, religiously. 

“oh, me and taeyong—we’re fine. why do you ask?” johnny replied, his head slightly tilting with his question. mark avoided eye contact. 

“oh—yeah, i guessed so. i was just wondering, you know, about taeyong. because you have been coming over a lot still, so, i don’t know.” mark tried. he felt miserable. he wished they hadn’t smoked all the joint already, so he could take a hit and forget he ever said anything. instead, johnny just stared at him; intense and silent. his eyes were so strong. mark could always feel him looking at him, whether he could see it or not. 

“well, taeyong’s fine.” johnny started, and he sounded like he wanted to say more, but he didn’t, so they fell silent for a long while. mark turned away and looked out at the view of the city as he waited. 

“it’s just, i’m...lonely. so he’s helping me out, really. but yeah, taeyong’s fine.” johnny finally said, his voice dripping with that tender, honest, deep tone that made mark feel like his ribs were caving. he tried so hard to breathe normally as he felt johnny’s eyes on his skin again. he knew he was blushing, but there was nothing he could do about it at that point. 

“do you like taeyong?” mark asked. he couldn’t stand how desperate he sounded. he wanted to jump off the roof. 

“no, i told you already that we’re just friends.” johnny answered earnestly, pointedly. mark felt his words as they went through him. 

“yeah, yeah, sorry, i forgot.” mark answered loosely, his eyes following the clouds stringing through the sky. his eyes felt heavy, and his thoughts felt squiggly behind his eyes. his body was alive; he could feel it all. he could feel the air seeping deep in his lungs, his heart pounding steadily in his chest. he could feel johnny’s damn eyes on his face. 

“whatever, anyway. i was just worried about taeyong.” mark said dismissively. johnny chuckled warmly. 

“mm-hm.” 

mark couldn’t tell if that was sarcastic or not, so he left it alone. they sat in silence again. their arms were still touching. 

johnny was so fucking tall. because of their height difference, all mark could think about was how easy it would be to rest his head on johnny’s shoulder. it was right there. right. there. 

fuck it, he decided. if he said anything about it, he could dismiss it easily. he could just say he was falling asleep. fuck it. 

mark tilted his head, slowly, barely at all, at a snail’s pace, until his ear hit johnny’s shoulder. he paused for a moment before just ripping the bandaid off and settling his head on johnny’s shoulder. 

instantly, he could smell his cologne. he thought he was going to die right there. 

and then, johnny’s head moved too, feeling as he shifted underneath mark until his chin rested in his hair. mark couldn’t feel his eyes anymore, so he imagined he had them closed; he heard him take a deep inhale in his hair. 

mark was completely encapsulated in johnny. frozen solid, completely caught. everywhere he looked, johnny was somewhere in his vision. he was cornered, surrounded. all he could breathe was johnny’s air, and it felt so sweet and fresh in his lungs, as if he were breathing for the first time. he smelled like weed, and coffee, and the ocean somehow, and the city somehow too, and even still, breathing him in felt like what mark imagined doing coke felt like. 

“hey, you falling asleep?” johnny asked in a whisper, his voice rumbling deep and straight into mark’s ears. he felt like he was melting as he blushed into johnny’s neck. 

“mmn, maybe.” he answered, his groggy voice muffled. he wasn’t falling asleep. but he didn’t know what else to say. johnny smiled, his hand reaching up to stroke through mark’s hair once. 

“it’s not gonna be comfy to sleep here. let’s get back inside, okay?” johnny’s voice was soft like a lullaby. mark wanted to just lay right there on the roof in johnny’s arms. he would’ve been just fine. then again, a couch didn’t sound too bad. or a bed. he quickly stopped before his mind got ahead of itself. 

they stood up shakily. mark took only a few steps before he got light headed and clutched onto johnny’s shoulder for support. god, he was tall. and strong, too. good lord. mark’s brain felt too foggy, and he blinked rapidly. 

“hey, you alright?” johnny asked, the concern pointing through his voice. 

“yeah, sorry, i’m fine. low tolerance. i don’t smoke much these days.” he mustered, clinging to johnny’s arm. the elder shifted in his grasp, and mark almost whined at him not to move. but then, he interlocked his fingers with mark’s, so he bit his tongue. 

“hey, i got you. c’mon.” he encouraged softly. mark followed him like a mindless little lamb, ripe for the slaughter and walking blindly into his end. 

johnny led them back down to the apartment. it took a while, with all those stairs. they stumbled against the walls and laughed with their palms held tight together all the way down. mark felt like he was going crazy, going round and round those stairs for what felt like forever. he didn’t mind it, though. he was holding hands with johnny. when holding hands with johnny, he felt like he could do anything. 

but they finally reached their floor, and johnny led them back to the apartment. 

they fumbled inside and haphazardly closed the door behind them before flopping on the couch. mark was so relieved to be sitting down again. johnny’s hand was loose in his, but he didn’t remove it, so he left their fingers intertwined. 

“so, now what?” mark asked. johnny hummed, blinking slowly over glassy eyes. 

“i don’t know. do you wanna watch something?” he suggested. mark nodded briskly. 

“yeah. do you want to pick something on netflix?”

johnny’s head fell to the side and he smiled at mark. 

“sure. thank you.”

“uh-huh,” mark said to keep himself busy from making eye contact, “do you want anything to drink or something? coffee?”

johnny gasped, sudden and loud, as if he just came back to life after thirty years. it startled mark and he jumped. johnny gave an apologetic smile, reaching out to grab mark’s shoulder. 

“sorry, i just got excited. yes, i would love some coffee, please.” johnny said sweetly through his smile, giggly and warm. mark just laughed before he stood up, desperate to get out of johnny’s hypnosis and get a hold of himself for just a second. 

johnny busied himself with netflix while mark prepared coffee. they didn’t speak for a long time as they did, and it made the air feel like it was standing too still to breathe. 

mark brought over the coffee. johnny made grabby hands as he approached, making him laugh, having to be careful not to spill. 

“ugh, thank you, i could kiss you.” johnny said before immediately taking a sip of his coffee, savoring it deeply, leaving mark to gape at him helplessly with red ears. 

“did you pick something?” mark asked as he regained his bearings. johnny started biting his lip, his eyes turning back to the screen. 

“no; i don’t really know what i wanna watch. do you wanna watch something like, deep and thoughtful?” he asked. mark huffed a small laugh beneath his breath. 

“i’m so pleased that you assume i have a brain in my hollow ass skull.” mark replied loosely. johnny turned to him pointedly. 

“come on, now. you’re one of the smartest people i know, for your age.” johnny said. mark rolled his eyes. 

“wow. thanks.”

“i didn’t mean it like that and you know it.”

“sure thing.”

“anyway,” johnny interrupted, “since you don’t have a brain, how about something a little easier to digest?”

mark thought for a moment. 

“what, like a kids movie?”

a light blared in the center of johnny’s eyes, like twin shooting stars. 

“can we watch cars 2?”

“no.” mark said sharply. 

“why not?”

“it’s horrible! how could you want to watch that cinematic flop?”

“fine! cars 3?”

mark paused for a long moment before sighing, his head falling back on the couch. 

“okay. fine. cars 3 is fine.”

johnny smiled triumphantly, erratically typing into netflix with the little remote. 

it wasn’t until some thirty minutes later that mark fully came back to a conscious state of mind again. he got super invested in the cars cinematic universe for a moment. then, he panned out for a moment and realized he was watching cars 2 on the couch with his crush. he felt at first that he was going to make a big deal out if like usual, but he kinda just shrugged the idea away, not wanting to think too hard on it. he leaned into johnny’s side. the elder leaned back, just slightly, but enough that mark could feel it. and he definitely felt it. 

they both heard as the front door opened, but neither of them moved. their eyes stayed glued on the movie, and their sides glued to each other. taeyong laughed softly from the doorway. 

“hey. glad to see you guys are getting friendly.” he said. mark thought that was funny. friendly. 

taeyong came and sat with them on the couch, sitting next to johnny. 

“are you guys watching cars?” he asked incredulously. 

“cars 3 specifically. mark didn’t wanna watch the second one.” johnny said. taeyong scoffed. 

“for good reason. cars 2 is a mess.”

“you too?! yongie, did you make mark a cars 2 hater?” johnny whined. mark found it so cute that he almost just exploded and died where he was on the couch. luckily, he kept his cool. 

“no, mark just has a brain and rightfully thinks cars 2 is trash. exactly as he should.” taeyong said. johnny turned to mark at that. 

“see? taeyong thinks you have a brain. i think you have a brain. why do you gotta talk about yourself like you don’t?” johnny asked, his voice sickeningly sweet. mark felt pinned as both of them stared at him. 

“mark! what did i say about the negative self talk?” taeyong started sharply. mark threw his head back and sighed. 

“it was just a joke, i’m being nice to myself, i promise.”

taeyong narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously; “good, good. you better.”

johnny turned to smirk at mark. he looked back at him and smiled weakly before turning to the movie, his heart thumping loudly in his ears. 

they all zoned out for a long while. who knew cars could be so captivating. taeyong eventually turned to johnny, patting his thigh to get his attention...his delicious, thick thigh, in those skinny jeans. mark tried to redirect his brain to cars. 

“hey, should we get going soon?” taeyong asked quietly, clearly only to johnny. the latter sat for a moment like he was thinking before he nodded. he turned back to mark. 

“hey, i think we’re gonna go. thanks, mark. this was fun.” johnny said, sincere and sweet, and it was strange, because it felt like it was meant just for mark to hear. he didn’t understand how that could be, so he just skipped over the thought. left it on the list of things he would ponder later when he was alone. 

“yeah. yeah, sure thing. i had fun, too. thanks.” mark said, looking at his hands in his lap. he felt johnny’s gaze on him, strong and purposeful. 

“could i get your number?” johnny suddenly asked. mark perked, but was too scared to look at johnny, so he just turned his attention to the movie. he felt like he couldn’t breath. 

“what—for what? you don’t need to text when you’re coming over or anything, taeyong can just tell me—“

johnny pushed mark’s face with his hand, connecting their gazes. the words stopped dead in mark’s mouth as he felt johnny’s palm against his cheek. his skin felt like it had burst into flames. johnny looked hard into his eyes. 

“hey, mark, you know i meant it when i said i don’t just come here for taeyong, right?” he said, his voice deep and soft. it lit every nerve in mark’s body on fire. all he could muster was a nod, feeling his cheek move against johnny’s hand. he really, really felt in that moment that he and johnny were the only people in the room. 

johnny whipped out his phone and mark waited until he handed it to him, and he typed in his number with shaky fingers. johnny took his phone back eagerly. he held it up, looking intently at mark. the latter raised an eyebrow. 

“what are you doing?” he asked warily. 

“contact picture, duh.” johnny said simply. mark jumped and covered his face with his hands. 

“what—no, not now! i look like an idiot.” he said miserably, shriveling away from johnny. the elder grabbed him and pulled him closer, and his hands pressed tighter into his face with shock. 

“just use that pretty picture you took of me that one other time!” mark protested. johnny shook his head, positioning his phone. 

“that was forever ago. plus, you’re always camera ready, always flawless. i wanna capture this moment, too.”

mark melted at that. he nearly whimpered as all the air left his body and his limbs turned to jelly. his hands fell away to reveal his shy smile and sparkly puppy eyes, staring at johnny with the most obvious endearment anyone had ever seen. johnny snapped the shot, a grin wide on his face. 

“you’re so cute.” his words rattled through every bone in mark’s body. 

next thing he knew, johnny and taeyong were standing, and beginning to leave, talking amongst themselves. he sat on the couch, watching them. he felt like he was watching them get farther and farther away. or maybe he was just sinking deeper into the background again. 

“bye, mark. get some sleep, okay? you look tired. i’ll be back soon.” taeyong said. mark sighed as the door closed behind them and he was left alone. again. 

he sat staring at his hands in his lap for a long while. he was left alone again. it kept happening like that. johnny would get him all on the edge of his seat, just to leave him alone again. he left him alone as he ran off with taeyong now. left him alone to run off with taeyong again, and probably have sex with taeyong again, like they always do. it wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. it wasn’t. but it sure fucking felt like it. mark felt like he wanted to cry. he sucked it all back inside, painfully shoving it all to the back of his head. he just kept pressing until it didn’t resist anymore. he unclenched his shut eyes and looked back at his hands again. he decided he wouldn’t cry over a boy who wasn’t trying to intentionally hurt him. he wouldn’t cry for someone who wasn’t even trying. he took a deep breath and blew it all out on his exhale. a few more breaths, and all he could hear was himself. 

he looked back down and his eyes landed on johnny’s coffee, still on the coffee table. he barely got to drink any of it. mark stared at it for a long moment, watching the small, last wisps of steam float off of the surface. he would hate to have to dump it out. he reached slowly for the mug, taking it into his hands carefully, watching like he could be caught at any time. he brought the rim to his lips. he paused mid sip as he felt a chapstick mark against the ceramic, right at the corner of his mouth. he quickly aligned his lips with the mark, with the shape of johnny’s lips, and his eyes fluttered closed as he took a long sip of coffee. it flowed into him and made him feel warm and fuzzy all over, his fingertips and toes feeling like static. 

the room felt too quiet. then, suddenly, not quiet at all. mark suddenly remembered the movie. cars 3. he was left here, alone, while johnny was going to fuck taeyong with his deep sexy voice and his big dick, and mark was alone, getting butterflies over chapstick marks on a coffee mug while watching cars 3. alone. the thought made him want to cry all over again. he placed the coffee down before throwing himself back into the couch, groaning, fighting off the burning feeling of tears behind his eyes. 

he was interrupted by his phone buzzing in his pocket. he fished it out, relieved for a distraction. it was a text message from a unknown number, which mark immediately hoped/dreaded was johnny. he slid open his phone and read the message. 

‘heyy it’s johnny :) here’s what u can use for my contact pic lol’

attached was a selfie: johnny smiling and flashing a peace sign. he was wearing the same hoodie, and it looked like he was in the passenger’s seat of taeyong’s car, so mark figured he must’ve taken it just then. it made his heart flutter warmly. 

he set the picture to johnny’s contact, and added his name. he pondered for a long, long time whether he should put a heart emoji after his name. he thought embarrassingly long on it. he wanted to, because he knew it would give him that weird giddy feeling that it always does when you do something cheesy like that, but he knew that there was always the chance that johnny could see it, somehow, and comment on it, and mark would be stuck in a corner. he decided it wasn’t worth the risk, finally, and closed his phone, tossing it to the side and getting lost in the cars cinematic universe once again. 

after a little while, he heard his phone buzz near him on the couch. he reached for it, quickly unlocking it and reading what johnny had sent. 

‘i meant to tell u earlier but i forgot…! you roll a good ass joint :)’

mark read it over again maybe four times. he smiled, weak and endeared, feeling like his whole chest was melting. he just stared at it for a long while, thinking about him, wishing he were here still, that they were still alone together. he typed back a simple ‘thank you <3’ before he pressed send. he bit the inside of his cheek. he sat and thought about johnny for a long, long moment. 

and then he went back and added the heart emoji next to his name. 

//

taeyong moved like a hurricane around the apartment as mark sat on the couch on his phone. taeyong was always a busybody when they were getting ready to go somewhere. he just paced and paced. 

“okay, you good to go? is that what you’re wearing?” taeyong asked. mark frowned slightly. 

“what, what’s wrong with what i’m wearing?” he was just wearing a logoed t-shirt tucked into black jeans with a jacket. he didn’t think he needed to get too dolled up. 

“nothing, you’re perfect, mark, i was just asking. okay, let’s get moving then?” he asked again, grabbing his keys from the bowl. mark rose from the couch and followed wordlessly at taeyong’s heels. 

“whose party is it again?” mark asked as they got to taeyong’s car, and they began loading inside. 

“my friend jaehyun. he’s nice; popular. there’s gonna be a lot of people there probably, but jae’s friends are nice.” taeyong answered as his car’s engine revved to life. he looked back over his seat as he began pulling out of his parking space. 

“do you know anyone i know who’ll be there?” mark asked innocently. taeyong turned to him with bright eyes. 

“me!” he said, before turning right back to backing out. mark’s eyes fell to his hands in his lap. he didn’t feel exactly comforted by that, but he pushed it away. he tilted his head to stare out the window as taeyong turned up the radio, setting them en route to their destination. 

it was a pretty mellow event, as far as frat parties go. it was just a celebration of the upcoming spring break. it was the weekend before exams, good time to be studying instead, but jaehyun asked specifically for taeyong to be there, so they agreed to go together. mark had texted johnny, asking if he was going, too. they had been hanging out a lot recently, before studying season rolled around again and free time got sparse. they hadn’t seen each other in person for at least two weeks. mark severely hoped he could see him again soon. 

the drive wasn’t long. mark really got lost in the way the world looked rushing by, like he was running too fast for anything to catch him. he felt disappointed as he noticed the car slowing down. 

he immediately noticed the cars lining the street. he looked all the way down the curb, and almost every space was taken. they were lucky they got there when they did, otherwise they would’ve had to walk a little bit to even get to the house. 

as they stepped up the walkway through the front lawn, they could clearly hear the party had already started. taeyong took the lead, and mark followed close behind, slightly intimidated. 

walking through the front door was like walking into a new world. mark thought briefly that he had never seen the inside of a house this big. it looked smaller with all those people inside of it. he could only imagine what it looked like empty. 

taeyong led mark through a few small crowds of people, the music pulsating through the ground and into their feet as they made their way deeper into the party. it made him so confused. there was no way all these people knew each other—or that all these people know jaehyun collectively. he couldn’t imagine being friends with that many people. 

“oh—hey! jaehyun!” taeyong called, finally, as a handsome man turned and approached them with a smile on his face, presumably the jaehyun in question. 

“hi, taeyong! glad you could make it!” he said, before they both went in for a hug. mark felt incredibly awkward, watching from the background again. always on the side. 

“jaehyun, this is my friend, mark. he’s a baby, so keep an eye on him.” taeyong said. mark furrowed his brow at that, and jaehyun smiled warmly. 

“sure thing. hi, i’m jaehyun. thank you for coming. can i get you guys something to drink?”

“no thanks, i’m driving tonight, and mark doesn’t drink much.”

jaehyun looked to mark inquisitively. 

“i get really sick when i get cross faded.”

jaehyun laughed a deep, hearty laugh. it was wide and inviting. mark could see why people liked him. 

“i see where you’re coming from. well then, what can i interest you guys in? you wanna dance?” jaehyun suggested. taeyong perked brightly at that. 

“ooh, yes, let’s dance.”

they cheered together happily, and taeyong was soon dragging mark by his wrist as they followed jaehyun to the “dance floor.” it was just the living room with the furniture moved outside, filled instead with a dj table, lights, and a whole lot of people. 

and then, suddenly, mark was in the middle of a crowd. he could see taeyong dancing, and he was dancing a bit himself. 

his limbs felt like they were all in the wrong places. he just felt in the wrong place at the wrong time. he felt his body moving without him, leaving him hovering. surrounded by people, yet he so alone. he tried to shake it all away, just trained his eyes on the floor and focused on the music, focused on dancing. he didn’t look up, just watched his feet move mindlessly against the floor, which thundered and vibrated with the music, too loud for his ears, too loud to think. 

he closed his eyes and let himself disappear for a moment. he just felt the rhythm in the floor; he focused on moving to it as he felt it through his feet. the heat and the flurry of people around him made him flustered, but he quickly tried to dismiss it, thinking about something to take his mind off of things. 

he thought about johnny, immediately, instinctually. thought about his laugh, his voice, his everything. all the stuff he usually thought about. he just was standing there, swaying to the music, thinking about johnny. dancing alone, thinking about johnny. thinking about their late night texts, their hangouts in between classes, times they skipped to smoke together and giggle about dumb bullshit all day. the person that mark wanted to be with. the person he wanted to be alone with. or to dance with, maybe. just the two of them. the idea made him sad. his chest ached, hollow and longing. he didn’t want to dance alone. 

mark opened his eyes and immediately started to search for taeyong. after a moment, he saw that he couldn’t find him. he looked around, and all the way behind him. he couldn’t see taeyong anywhere. he blinked, surprised. he turned and searched again, this time for jaehyun. and again, just for someone, anyone. all he was met with was unfamiliar faces, all distracted with their respective partners or parties, dancing away to the blaring music that drowned everything else in the world out. mark kept looking around, frantic, back and forth. his heart thundered under his skin, his chest pounding heavy and hard. 

he quickly abandoned looking for anyone and just set himself on getting out; getting some fresh air that didn’t smell a little bit like everyone else in the room. mark kept his eyes low and his arms tight to his body as he just started shouldering through people. most just ignored him or moved politely, but he got a few mean stares and passing disdained glances. he couldn’t care less as he nudged through the crowd, his shoulder wedging between body after body. he just wanted to breathe. 

then, he was suddenly shoved to his side, and his shoulder pushed into the chest of someone quite tall. unfortunately, he immediately knew who it was, and nearly had a heart attack right where he stood. just as his head shot up to meet eyes, the latter braced his palms on mark’s arms, holding him steady. as their gazes locked, mark felt like he had just plummeted straight back to earth from space. 

“johnny. hi.” mark said breathlessly. 

“hey; mark, you okay?”

mark smiled up at johnny’s concerned face, leaning into his space cautiously. 

“yeah. better now, with you.”

johnny laughed sweetly, leaning in slightly as well, just enough for mark to notice. 

“you’re a real stunner, aren’t you?” he asked, his voice heavy. mark wanted to shudder, but he kept himself under control, for the moment. 

“hey, you wanna ditch these losers downstairs and get high with me?” johnny asked through a smile, swaying absentmindedly with the music. mark blinked, surprised. but he wasn’t one to turn down an offer like that, cheesy as it was, so he nodded eagerly. johnny grabbed him by the hand, locking their fingers together and squeezing intently as he began leading mark out of the crowd. he let himself be dragged, enjoying the opportunity to look at johnny’s ass while they walked. he wasn’t usually one to stare like that, but he couldn’t help it. johnny’s jeans were otherworldly in the way they formed to his legs and ass. he looked too sexy to be real. mark couldn’t even think of looking away. 

johnny directed them up the stairs and through a few too many hallways for mark’s comfort. seriously, how could someone live in a house this big. 

they finally stopped in front of a door, and johnny burst through and held it open for mark to follow. he did dutifully as eve, the door leading into a guest room of sorts. there were four other people; a pair of girls laying in their stomachs talking on the bed, and two other guys on the floor with a massive bong. they all looked up as mark walked in, and he immediately felt very perceived. the room fell silent except for some vibe-y music in the background, and was lit only by a lava lamp in the corner. it felt cool. too cool. intimidating, even. but one would expect to be intimidated upon walking into a room with intent to smoke weed with strangers; strangers which include two pretty girls with pretty outfits, and another two boys with piercings and dyed hair. he wished he had some color in his hair, maybe. or some cooler earrings. 

“you didn’t bring a straight boy, did you?” one of the girls asked, her ponytail swinging across her shoulder as she tilted her head. 

“jungeun, have more faith in me than that.” johnny replied warmly. laughter rumbled through the room quietly; all except for mark. he swallowed, thick and nervous. he didn’t know what to make of johnny’s answer, vague yet suggestive. he stowed it away for later, for sorrowful pondering time. 

“guys, this is my friend mark. he’s only twenty, so don’t be too aggressive.”

the girls erupted into coos, smiling and clasping their hands at him sweetly. it made him feel silly. 

“aww, only twenty? he shouldn’t even be up here.” the other girl said, her voice soft and tender, her smiling face framed cutely by her black bangs and round, pink cheeks. 

“don’t be a narc, jinsoul.” one of the boys spoke, finally, the one with eyeliner and the green dye in his black hair, his voice surprisingly deep. 

“right, mark,” johnny started quickly, “you met jungeun and jinsoul. over there is yuto.” johnny pointed. green hair guy waved respectively. mark waved back, small and shy. 

“and, the one hogging the bong is yuta.” 

“i’m not hogging.” the other boy piped in, before returning to his bong hit. 

mark squinted at them next to each other, his eyes darting between the two. 

“yuto and yuta?” mark questioned softly. johnny half-laughed at him. 

“don’t worry about it,” he said to mark (who hoped silently to himself that he would remember which was which) before turning to the group, “should we get started?”

“we already started.” yuta said, letting smoke fall out of his mouth in a thick, pillowy white cloud. johnny rolled his eyes. 

“yeah, i know, clearly. i meant all together.”

“circle time?” jungeun asked, a grin on her lips. jinsoul scooted to the edge of the bed, patting her hand excitedly on the comforter. 

“oh, you guys gotta see my new lighter! it’s so cute!” she dug into a pocket she had in her skirt before withdrawing the lighter as the circle formed loosely around her, the boys sitting on the floor while the girls stayed on the bed. 

“check it out!” she held it out to the circle, everyone leaning in to get a look. it was a baby pink lighter, shiny and new all right, with a print of my melody’s face on it. it was cute. mark loved it, personally. 

“jinsoul, don’t you like blue?” yuto asked. jinsoul pushed out her bottom lip at him. 

“yeah, i can like blue and pink at the same time, dumbass.” she said, although her voice was too soft and pretty to sound at all menacing. mark smiled at her softly. 

“whatever, pass the bong.” yuto said, taking it from yuta and taking jinsoul’s lighter from her hand. he lit up, and the night started there. 

“oh—and baby, i got you one, too.” jinsoul said, diving into her other skirt pocket. she pulled out a black lighter adorned with kuromi’s head that matched her own, and presented it to jungeun. the latter girl gasped, snatching it into her own hands and holding it close to her face. 

“baby, you can’t do shit like this in front of other people, i’m gonna cry!” she whimpered. yuta smirked at them absentmindedly, his gaze falling to watch yuto take his hit instead. 

“hey,” johnny elbowed mark and spoke softly, “we should get matching lighters.”

mark jumped out of his skin practically, his lips drawing into a nervous line. 

“wh—what, are lighters the new friendship bracelets?” mark whispered back frantically. johnny laughed at him. 

“sure, why not! i’ll buy letter stickers and put a big ‘B-F-F’ on yours.” johnny said through a smile. mark wanted to wither up and disappear. 

“right. whatever. and i’ll buy unicorn and rainbow stickers and put those all over yours.” mark retaliated gently. johnny’s eyes lit up, brilliant and hopeful. 

“that’d be so cute! can we go sticker shopping sometime? to decorate our BFF lighters?” johnny asked sweetly. mark nearly collapsed, his heart so weak in his chest. 

“yeah man, sure, we can go sticker shopping.” he replied, a little more breathless than he meant. he immediately forgot about it though when he saw johnny smile, bright and wide, his eyes squinting. 

yuto passed the bong to johnny, who accepted gratefully with a playful light in his gaze. mark watched as his hands wrapped around it, the way his veins shifted beneath his skin. he felt high already. 

he watched johnny take his hit, his eyes following his every movement. he watched the smoke billow out of his lips, full and white. he watched as johnny passed the bong in his direction next. he took it into his own hands, feeling the cool glass against the warmth of his palms, sweaty with nervousness.

after his first long rip of the bong, coughing as he passed it up to jinsoul, things settled into a sort of rhythm. it almost went to the music, their movement mirroring the beat. the bong went round and round in slow circles, the space in between all of them filling with smoke and chatter and laughter. it was like the spinning of the hands on the clock as the time got more and more faded along with them. 

mark’s initial nervousness subsided as he felt himself separate gradually from the real world. soon, it felt like the whole universe had fleeted away until it shrunk to just that room. he felt like the circle itself was shrinking as he got to know the others pretty quickly. he learned a lot about jinsoul and jungeun, since they liked to talk when they got high. they were the cutest couple, perfectly in sync, always finishing each other’s sentences. yuta and yuto were old friends, who got lucky enough in the gamble of life that they never fell out of touch with each other. they were also cute to mark, in their own little way. 

and, of course, mark liked johnny, too. everything he did, everything he said, mark liked. any joke that johnny made, mark laughed at, giggly and soft, coddled in adoration. everytime he passed the bong to mark, their hands would touch, or his fingers would linger on his skin for a moment, their eyes locked. mark really liked that, the way it felt like there was a fuse in his heart, lit and sparkling. he really felt like he was going to explode, he liked johnny so much.

mark leaned over and nosed at johnny’s arm before plopping his head onto his shoulder, nuzzling into his warmth contently, taking a deep breath of his air. johnny pushed into mark’s contact, laying his cheek on his hair. mark’s heart was beating so hard he could only believe it was both of their heart beating together. the heaviness ladening his limbs made it feel like he was melting against johnny; like they were melding into one. he thought briefly that he wouldn’t mind that, and he snuggled closer into johnny’s side.

time faded into a myth at some point. no one in the room was conscious enough to stand, or to do much of anything, really. so they all just stayed there. for a long, long time. it could’ve very well been just half an hour, but it felt like centuries. 

yuto and yuta were fast asleep against the wall, their heads tilted together, but just barely not touching. jinsoul and jungeun were kissing and giggling, rolling around lazily on the bed. mark and johnny transitioned from sitting to laying down at some point (mark thought he could distantly remember having his head resting in johnny’s lap, somewhere along the line). laying on the floor, mark’s head was tucked gently beneath johnny’s chin, his nose occasionally brushing against his adam’s apple. johnny had his arm over mark’s hip, the other under his neck and wrapped across his back, hugging him close. mark had his hands pressed against johnny’s chest. he could feel his heart beating, right in his hands, full and steady. he felt something jolt through him everytime he felt that pulse, felt it ring through his whole body, nearly making him twitch. mark laid still in johnny’s arms, his eyes wide open, his pulse frantic, feeling like a rabbit with a wolf’s jaws around his neck. but, like, in a good way. just really, really intense.

mark wondered for a second, just a second, if he was in love. he knew he was young and dumb and deeply intoxicated in the strong arms of another man, so he was probably getting carried away. but the thought still passed over his mind. what if this was it? what if this is love? the way he felt, the way his heart beat for johnny, he never before had feelings for someone that were like that. it wasn’t even like when he first met johnny. when they first met, mark didn’t know what about johnny made him feel so strange. but in that moment, with his arms around him, mark knew exactly what he liked about johnny. and it was everything. johnny failed to do or say or be anything that mark wasn’t immediately enthralled with, which was true for the entirety that mark knew johnny. and when they first started meeting with each other more, that affection kindled so hot and so heavy in mark that it burned a hole through him. a johnny shaped hole, that he constantly was searching to fill, with something, anything. sometimes it was weed. sometimes it was porn. sometimes it was laying in johnny’s arms, breathing in his scent, tucking his nose into his neck, pressing a kiss to his skin, and melting in his grasp. 

after that, mark stopped thinking, just a little bit. he let himself de-manifest and just fade into space. all he knew was johnny; his skin, his heat, his heartbeat. that’s all mark needed. 

mark dozed off to the music and johnny’s heartbeat. he didn’t move or wake up for what at least felt like a long time. he had some dream, a weird one, but he couldn’t remember it. all he knew was that johnny was in it. all he ever knew was johnny.

the elder was shaking him, gently, calling his name in a tender whisper. his eyes opened slowly, his eyelids resisting so hard he felt like he was lifting cars with his face. but he opened his eyes, and he looked up at johnny, who was gazing down at him, regarding him softly, warmly, as always.

“hey. good morning, handsome.” he said. mark felt the familiar sensation as johnny’s voice slithered through his veins, almost making him shudder.

“mmn, huh?” mark tried, his voice groggy. johnny laughed, smiling at him fondly. mark patted his chest weakly as an attempt to shut him up.

“don’t laugh at me.” he mumbled. johnny pulled him in closer, running his big hands over his body, slow and warm.

“i’m not.” johnny said into mark’s hair. the younger patted his chest again, defiantly.

“yeah, you are, meanie.”

“you’re cute when you’re sleepy.” johnny said through a sly smile. mark wiggled in his arms, and he smiled wider.

“what do you want, anyway?” mark asked, his eyes falling closed again as he repositioned his face into johnny’s neck.

“oh, yeah. i wanted to ask you something.”

mark hummed affirmatively, nuzzling into the elder’s heat.

“yeah? go ahead.”

“can i touch your hair?” johnny asked, his voice deep, purposeful. mark groaned, leaning out of his neck to bump johnny’s chin with the top of his head. 

“dude, you woke me up for that? just do it.” he grumbled, removing one of his hands from johnny’s chest to wrap it around his waist.

“hey, consent is key.” johnny said, just before diving his hand deep into mark’s hair, raking through and bunching it into a fist. mark felt as his fingernails dragged against his scalp, a shudder rippling violently through his spine, gasping quietly. johnny laughed, soft and deep, sliding his hand along the curve of mark’s head, making him gasp again.

“see? if i hadn’t asked, you probably would’ve had a heart attack and died.” he said, his voice coming from deep in his chest; mark could feel it through the hand he had resting there. mark huffed, shrinking further against johnny.

“yeah, okay, fair point. but still, you don’t have to ask. just say you’re gonna do it.”

johnny laughed, small and breezy, “i still gotta ask sometimes. what if i want something you don’t?”

mark blushed at his wording, swallowing thickly.

“no need. i’d let you do anything to want to me.” mark said in a whisper, heavy and low. he spoke before he thought. his blush deepened as he listened to himself.

“really? anything?” johnny purred. mark really felt like he walked himself straight into a trap. the feeling settled in his stomach, weak and wobbly.

“sure. whatever.”

johnny pulled away to look mark in the eyes, his gaze hopeful and honest, like you could see right through him. “

can i touch your butt?” he asked, entirely too serious for mark to even be able to make heads or tails of his request.

“okay.” he said, breathless, out of anything better to say.

johnny gasped excitedly, and immediately pulled his hands off of mark to clap them both directly to his ass, his fingers spreading and grabbing with purpose. mark squeaked, before erupting into sweet laughter, his head falling against johnny’s chest. the latter laughed, too, that warm laugh of his that could light up any room. they stayed giggling with johnny’s hands glued to mark’s butt for a long moment.

“okay,” mark finally said through a grin, “is there anything else on your list?” johnny perked, his hands giving one last squeeze to mark’s ass before disappearing.

“yes, actually. can i take pictures of you?” johnny asked, his voice even heavier and more intent that his last request. mark blinked, but found himself nodding quickly.

“yeah, okay.” he said dutifully. he really meant it when he said he’d let him do anything he wanted.

suddenly, johnny flipped them so mark was on his back. before he even got time to react, johnny was sitting over him, straddling his lap. he had his phone out, the lens staring at mark, ready to shoot.

“the flash is gonna be on, just a warning.” johnny said, positioning himself over mark, drawing closer. mark wanted to nod to show he understood, but he was too busy not focusing excessively on the sensation of having johnny sit in his lap. that took too much energy to do anything else.

johnny took his first photo. the flash was blinding; mark thought he was dying and going to heaven as everything turned white. as his vision faded back to him, and the first thing he saw was johnny’s face, a smile drew over his lips, soft and fond. johnny’s gaze was focused, thoughtful, a glitter of light in his pupils. his eyes were flickering over mark’s face, looking deeply into him, taking him all in, reading him like a poem, committing him to memory. mark stared back up at him through his eyelashes, his lips parting as the air grew thicker and harder to breathe. 

every photo after that, mark thought again, that he must’ve been falling more in love with each flash of the camera. his heart would swell, and his cheeks would flush, and he’d look up at johnny, and he’d bite his lip, and he’d smile, all for him. he felt like he was born to be under johnny. he felt contentment run through every vein in his body, his limbs heavy and still, cementing into the floor. he wanted to be there forever. 

at some point, johnny grabbed mark’s wrists, positioning his hands above his head. mark ached painfully as he felt johnny’s grip around his skin. the elder pulled away again, taking more pictures like that. mark did his job, sat there and looked pretty. he was sure his whole face was flushed, rosy and warm. he didn’t care anymore, anyway. 

finally, johnny’s camera fell from his face. he just admired mark beneath him for a moment. his eyes raked along his skin, slow and warm, and mark could feel it as his gaze moved. he squirmed lightly, but johnny tightened his thighs around his hips, holding him still. mark’s heart jumped into his throat. 

“are we done?” he asked in a breathless voice. johnny looked down at him, silent for a moment, thinking. stalling. 

“yeah. for now.” he answered, his voice falling from his lips, rich and smooth like melted chocolate. mark wanted to taste so badly. 

“well…” mark started, not sure what to say, but not wanting to be silent either. johnny continued drinking him in with his eyes, before he suddenly tossed his phone to the side. 

johnny planted both hands on either side of mark’s head, framing their faces so all they could see was each other. mark gulped as their gazes melded together. 

“can we stay like this?” johnny asked, his voice higher, hopeful. his eyes oozed with something intense, something mark hadn’t seen on his face before. he nodded his head, quick and wide-eyed. he would let johnny do anything he wanted, he reminded himself. their eyes stayed locked for a moment longer, staring so hard into one another that they almost turned transparent right before themselves. johnny dropped to his elbows, his fingers carding through mark’s hair again, tucking his face into the younger’s neck. mark’s hands immediately fleeted to johnny’s back, spreading his fingers out against the broad expanse, feeling the heat of his skin. 

mark felt like a tornado. everything was spinning too fast, knocking him off balance. the only thing that grounded him was johnny, strong and unmoving around him. but johnny was so much—too much to handle at the moment. mark felt every nerve in his body, electric and alive, shooting through every limb, endlessly, torturously. his guts felt like they were being tied into knots; but like one of the knots they teach you in boy scouts, one of the ones with, like, thirteen steps. he felt just absolutely twisted up over johnny. 

he thought he imagined it at first, but johnny pressed a small, soft peck of a kiss into his neck. sweet, slow, and tender. it made mark’s back arch off the ground. it make him feel like his whole body was on fire. he felt like he was dying, unable to breathe, his lungs collapsing in the flames. he grabbed johnny’s shirt in fistfuls. johnny pulled away, and he hovered over mark, their eyes locking, their gazes hazy, hot, wild. johnny’s eyelids fluttered as he looked to mark’s lips; he could feel his breath hot against his face from the proximity. he was sure his heart was going to stop beating in his chest any minute. 

“can i kiss you?” johnny whispered, breathless. 

as the breath of his words hit mark’s lips, his whole world shifted. he suddenly felt like he was falling through the floor. his stomach lurched painfully, and he began shaking.

it suddenly all hit him, straight between the eyes, full force. all this time he spent wondering if johnny was real, and suddenly he was too real. he was so, so frighteningly real, sitting in mark’s lap, breathing heavy in his arms, asking to kiss him. everything felt so terrifyingly real far too fast. mark couldn’t breathe, he was so scared. he needed to breathe; his lungs were burning. 

before he could think, mark pressed his hands to johnny’s chest, and pushed him away, weak and shaky. johnny looked down at him, confused, his gaze edged in concern. 

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry,” mark whimpered, his chest rising and falling fast, “i can’t breathe.”

johnny pulled away, quick and ernest. he put his hands on mark’s thighs, strong, warm, and present. the feeling brought mark down a little bit, settling into his hands, focusing on himself being in his hands. 

“are you okay? do you want to stop?” he asked, breathless with worry. mark swallowed. he didn’t want to freak him out. 

“just—just for a minute. i’m sorry.” mark answered, his eyes stuck on the ceiling. 

“don’t ever apologize to me.” 

mark felt those words deeply; felt them right in his spine. he let out a breath, shallow and shivering. 

johnny helped mark to sit up, and waited with him for his head to stop spinning before retrieving him a red solo cup filled with water. he thanked him before drinking nearly half of it in a second. he only realized how dry his mouth was until he was left alone to think about it. he felt johnny’s eyes on him while he drank, his adam’s apple clicking with each gulp. 

they sat next to each other on the floor for a long, silent moment. neither of them knew what to say. the air was so thick it could be cut like butter. so thick, still so hard to breathe. 

“you okay?” johnny finally asked. mark turned his head to him, but didn’t look him in the eyes. he stared at their hands, next to each other on the floor, untouching. 

“yeah. i think.” mark said. there was so much he wanted to say that he couldn’t get unstuck from his throat. so he just sat there, silent. a bitter feeling burned like acid in his stomach. his hands were still shaking. he felt like he was going to throw up. 

“do you want to stop?” johnny asked again. mark sat silent for another long moment before he sighed. 

“yeah. i think we need to stop. we’re both really high. i don’t want to do anything that you might regret.” mark said, softly, his voice unsure. johnny placed his hand on top of mark’s, his palm warm, reassuring. 

“hey, that’s okay. it can wait.” he said to him, gentle and caring, his words floating from his lips like butterflies. 

“i’m gonna get you home, okay?”

“no, johnny, you don’t have to do that—“

“i am, mark. you need to get home and get some sleep.”

mark wanted to protest, but he already knew there was no stopping him. johnny was off the ground in seconds, leaving the room with a ‘be back in a sec.’ 

and just like that, mark was left alone again, the music the only sound in the room. jinsoul and jungeun fell quiet a long time ago, presumably asleep. mark found himself staring at the lava lamp, watching the blobs of wax float around, melding with itself, floating again, joining again, over and over. he stared at it for a long, long time. he felt like he could cry. 

the door opened again, and in came johnny, quickly followed by taeyong. the latter rushed to mark’s side, kneeling beside him with flurrying eyes. 

“hey, you okay? you ready to go home?” taeyong asked, his voice caring and protective. that was the thing mark loved about taeyong so much. he was always willing to drop anything and everything for others. 

“hi, i’m okay, i’m good.” mark said, grabbing onto his shoulders. taeyong helped him onto his feet, holding him up on his shaky legs. 

“thank you for getting me, johnny,” taeyong said, sincerity laden in his words, “you’re gonna be okay, right?”

“yeah, i’m gonna go find my ride. make sure he gets in bed.” johnny said, looking at mark the entire time, despite talking to taeyong. mark was staring back at him, unable to even think of looking away. 

taeyong started leading mark out of the room. johnny approached them before they could leave, and he ran his hand through mark’s hair one last time. 

“see you soon.” he whispered to him. 

in the next moment, johnny was gone. taeyong was leading mark down the stairs, and soon enough, to his car. taeyong helped him into laying down across the back seats. 

on the ride home, mark didn’t look out the window. he stared straight up at the roof of taeyong’s car, watching the streetlights bleed through the windows and flash across the carpeting as they went along. taeyong turned up the radio, filling the silence of the car. 

mark’s eyelids fought to close, his mind begging for sleep, for rest. but he couldn’t. he placed one of his hands on his chest, feeling his heart thundering beneath his skin. his eyes looked through the ceiling, instead looking into johnny’s eyes again in his memories. he longed for sleep, but he longed for johnny more. he longed deeply for him again, for his hands on his skin, his voice in his ears, his breath on his lips. 

mark brought both hands to his eyes, pressing into them hard, submerging himself in darkness. he took a deep breath, feeling the air swell in his lungs, but even still, it wasn’t enough. 

the whole ride home and for the rest of the night to the second he fell asleep, he could still feel johnny’s touch, ghosting on his skin. 

//

the next few days of his life, mark felt like a military wife. 

he walked around with a big empty pit in his chest, throbbing painfully, begging to be filled again. he missed johnny down to the very core of his being. every fiber of his body ached to be with johnny again. 

mark was almost mad at himself for not kissing johnny that night. almost. he still had that part of him that was afraid, deeply deeply afraid, that the affection was one sided. 

this seemed almost stupid, since johnny literally asked to kiss him first, but still in his head, the doubt resisted angrily. it still made sense to him that johnny was too perfect for him. it still made sense that he meant it in a way that was just like him and taeyong; friends with benefits, and nothing more. mark was still deeply afraid that he was falling in love with someone who didn’t love him back. it seemed like a slim chance, but still one that still existed. and that alone terrified him enough into feeling that he did the right thing. he needed to know first what the unspoken truth between them was. 

so, he didn’t necessarily regret not kissing johnny. 

but, holy fuck, if he didn’t think about it. 

every minute of everyday became mark replaying johnny straddling him in his brain. he couldn’t focus on anything for more than five minutes before he was switched back onto the johnny channel, daydreaming about how his hands felt on his thighs. it was torture. every second of it was sweet, horrible torture. it was a miracle he was able to even finish all of his exams. 

the last day of school was a beautiful day, and mark had no exams. only a couple of classes to get through before summer break. that gave him enough energy to not just ditch entirely. but, again, mark fell weak to pretty weather. he couldn’t possibly be expected to sit through class on a day like that. 

mark skipped his last class of the day. he only skipped classes a small sum of times throughout the whole year, so he felt he deserved it. he wanted to get home and get his summer vacation kicked off with a bang. 

as he skateboarded home, mark brainstormed. he definitely wanted to roll a joint, and he had a monster in the fridge he had been meaning to drink. the thought passed his mind that he wanted to play video games, but he knew he wouldn’t play well while high, and he’d get frustrated, so he scratched that. he felt the grooves of the sidewalk run under his wheels as he thought. 

he could watch something, a show, or a movie. he thought with a smile maybe he could rewatch that damned cars 2, just to see if he could find what johnny liked about it. 

his mind wandered to johnny, as always. he wondered if he should text him, ask him to come over and celebrate with him. maybe they could watch cars 2 together, and he could tell him directly what he saw in that wreck of a movie. 

the thought made mark’s lips draw into a smile. he leaned into his skateboard, feeling himself rolling over the ground, tilting his face up to the sunshine. he felt the breeze in his hair, blowing his bangs off of his forehead, and the fresh afternoon air warm in his lungs. everything felt like summer already. 

mark hopped off his board and started fast up the steps of the apartment. he reached the top and chucked his deck onto the patio, fishing his keys from his pocket. as he stuck his key in the door, he found it was already unlocked. he bit the inside of his cheek. he must’ve forgotten to lock it when he left that morning. he prayed they didn’t get robbed or anything. he pulled out his key and twisted open the door knob. 

he walked into the foyer and closed the door behind him. he turned to place his keys in the bowl, but he stopped dead where he was standing, his keys falling out of his hand onto the floor. 

on the couch was johnny, shirtless, his back facing mark, and beneath him was taeyong, and they were kissing. as mark’s keys hit the floor they perked. taeyong’s head peered up over johnny’s shoulder, and his eyes widened. 

“mark! sorry! we were just celebrating, i finished with straight a’s!” taeyong said, trying on a smile that looked more afraid than happy. johnny turned frantically, and he finally met gazes with mark. his eyes glittered miserably, his face rosy, his lips swollen red and parted. 

“mark.” he said weakly. he looked absolutely lost. he had no idea what to do, what to say. mark just stared at him, completely unmoving, his breath stuck in his throat. he felt as his hands began shaking. he felt like all the air was sucked out of the room, and gravity was crushing him, tighter and tighter.

“congratulations, taeyong.” mark said, still staring hard into johnny’s eyes, his own completely unblinking, dry and stinging. he felt the first prickle of tears welling behind his eyes. he couldn’t look anymore. 

mark closed the door gently behind him before he just started running, fast enough that they wouldn’t have time to figure out where he was going. he didn’t imagine they were going to follow him, but he ran faster, just to be sure. 

he didn’t know if he wanted to know the truth between them anymore. he didn’t want an explanation. he felt like he had seen it all just before him, all too real. he didn’t want to hear it anymore; not from johnny, not from anyone. he didn’t want to hear anything. he just wanted to be alone. he needed to be alone. 

he began running up steps. round and round, running until he physically couldn’t anymore. he slowed to a walk, getting slower and slower as he spent eternity going up steps, pushing back the stinging in his eyes and lungs with every stair. 

he finally reached a door, and he crashed through it. as he heard it slam behind him, he finally stopped moving, his lungs heaving in fresh air for what felt like the first time ever. 

his legs started to tremble as the first tear finally fell down his face. he didn’t wince, or curl up, or even sob. he was too tired to do any of that. he just stood there, swaying gently with the breeze, tears rolling down his face, heaving air into his weak lungs. 

his eyes scanned the scenery calmly. he sighed, looking out at the city scape. he cursed himself for going to the roof, but he wasn’t really thinking. he felt a bitterness swell in his chest, but he let it come, and the tears fell fat and heavy off his hot cheeks, falling down to the concrete below. 

he walked on wobbly legs to the spot they sat together before. he let himself fall against the wall, sitting where he did, only this time, there was no johnny beside him. there was no brushing of the arms. there were no butterflies. 

he leaned his head back against the wall, looking up at the sky. the tears fell down the side of his face, eventually running into his ears, which was uncomfortable, but he didn’t care enough to do anything. he just stared up at the sky; the clouds were few and far in between, the expanse a brilliant blue. mark sniffled. what a shame to be crying on a day like this. he sighed, deep and heavy, his lungs quivering. his heart beat hollowly in his chest, aching. he shook his head, letting his eyes fall from the sky, instead inspecting the ground. 

he found a few bugs, and said hello to them in his head. he inspected a few small rocks, and a quarter, which he almost took, but decided he’d leave for someone else to find. he found a black smudge on the floor, and he stared at it for a long time. he thought briefly that it was probably where they put out that damned joint. he placed his finger on it, feeling his heart fall. he drew his hand away, instead moving to hug his legs. his eyes fell on the corner of the wall, where a spider sat in the middle of its web. he sighed through his nose, wiping his tears away from his cheeks. he cleared his throat. 

“damn.” he said to himself, under his breath, his voice hoarse. he felt his chest ache as he said it, and he almost laughed at himself. damn indeed. 

damn indeed. 

//

mark had his phone on do not disturb. he didn’t even look at it anymore; he resorted to using his laptop for social media and such. he didn’t want to think about it. 

he had spent the whole weekend locked in his room. literally. after it was clear he wasn’t coming out, taeyong slid him a note under the door that he was staying at jaehyun’s for the week, to give him time to feel better. 

even then, mark spent most time in his room. he just didn’t want to do anything; he didn’t want to think about it. 

mark was used to thinking about johnny. he thought about johnny 24/7, even in that moment. what mark wasn’t used to was how much thinking about johnny could hurt. 

he didn’t even know why it hurt him so much. it just...did. the longer he was left to think about it, the more he began to wonder if he should’ve trusted johnny more. he couldn’t get the look in johnny’s eyes in that moment out of his mind. he felt it when it happened, and he hadn’t stopped feeling it yet. but he didn’t want to think about it. he just pushed it away, distracted himself with other things. he just didn’t want to think about it. 

in his note, taeyong had said he was coming back that day. mark had no clue what was gonna happen when he got home. he knew that taeyong was going to want to talk it out, but he was scared of what he would have to say back to him. because if they talked it out, he would have to admit some things, those including his nonheteroism and his feelings for johnny, both of which were previously ambiguous. not that he thought that taeyong would have a problem with it. it was a him problem; he was faced against himself. that was the scary part. admitting to himself both of those things, which previously were unspoken, never put out in the air verbally. 

so, he spent his day mostly in his room, waiting anxiously for taeyong’s arrival. he tried weakly at distracting himself with something, like watching netflix or playing video games, but everything he tried he found he either couldn’t focus on or only reminded him of johnny, making him feel sad all over again. he eventually just settled on listening to music, laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, not thinking about anything. it wasn’t the best, but it was the best out of anything he tried, so he just laid there on his back, probably for hours. 

when he heard the front door open, he jumped nearly out of his skin. then, he just laid deathly still, not making a single sound, straining his hearing on taeyong’s movements. 

he heard footsteps coming down the hall, and he began holding his breath. a knock came to his door, gentle, but he still jumped at the noise. 

“hey, mark? i’m home.” taeyong’s voice came through the door, caring as ever. mark’s heart throbbed affectionately in his chest. he missed taeyong, really. 

“hi. how was it?” mark asked, his voice coming out a little higher than he meant. 

“it was good. hey, i’d like to talk to you, if you wanna let me in.” taeyong replied gently, his tone dripping in fondness. 

“go ahead, it’s unlocked.” mark said. the doorknob turned and taeyong was inside his room immediately, a smile soft on his lips. 

“development!” he said cheerfully, and mark huffed a bit of a laugh at him, sitting up in his bed as taeyong came to sit next to him. 

“how about a hug, big guy?” taeyong requested, his smile sweet, and mark resisted the urge to bring up, again, that he was not a child. instead, he leaned in and hugged taeyong, tight and secure. the elder hugged him back hard, tender and eager. they stayed there for a long while, and mark nuzzled into taeyong’s shoulder, his heart beating happily in his chest. he was really, really glad to have taeyong back. 

when they pulled away, taeyong kept his hands on mark’s shoulders. 

“okay, so, first things first,” taeyong started, looking intently into mark’s eyes, “ i wanted to tell you i’m sorry. i was being dumb, and horny. i got home from exams and he was there; he told me he was waiting for you. i told him to makeout with me. he hesitated, but he didn’t know how to explain it to me, so he obliged, because he’s a good friend and he always does.”

taeyong paused for a moment, allowing it to soak in. mark nodded, small and absentminded, and taeyong continued. 

“i told him you had class. you came home early, which means you probably skipped. bad mark. don’t do that.” taeyong said. mark’s lips drew into a line, and taeyong rubbed his arms. 

“don’t worry, you don’t have to feel sorry for that; i’m the one apologizing. don’t blame johnny, okay? i’m really sorry, mark.” taeyong finished, soulful and honest. 

“okay, i get it. i forgive you. i love you, hyung.” mark said, sweet and simple. taeyong blinked, his eyes widening. his face split into a smile, bright and pretty, and he ruffled mark’s hair gently. 

“that easy? i love you too. you’re like a little angel.” taeyong said, his voice affectionate as his hand moved from mark’s hair, instead pinching his cheek lightly. mark batted his hand away, fighting back a smile. 

“with that out of the way, though,” taeyong began again, his voice sounding apologetic, “you do know that you’re being...like, a big, big dummy, right?”

it was mark’s turn to be surprised, blinking a couple times. 

“what do you mean?” he questioned, not knowing whether to be offended or not. taeyong smiled at him, fond and familiar, feeling like home. 

“i’m sorry, that came off harsh. i just—i cannot believe someone can be so...oblivious.” taeyong explained through a small smile. mark tilted his head, still confused. 

“i mean that—johnny explained everything to me, after you ran away that day. from, like, the very start. and i just don’t see how you could have missed someone sending so many signals!” taeyong said, nearly incredulous. mark shook his head, his eyebrows furrowing. 

“you mean like—johnny? signals from johnny?” mark retorted. it wasn’t making any sense to him. taeyong’s eyes looked like they were begging for him to understand. 

“c’mon, mark, connect the dots! he’s been flirting with you since the moment he met you!” taeyong retaliated, his smile widening. he looked like he was going mad. mark’s mouth dropped open, and his eyes fell to the floor. 

flirting. since the moment they met. holy shit. 

“i’m dumb. you’re right. i’m dumb.” mark said, after a long, thoughtful pause. taeyong was quick to drape an arm over mark’s shoulders, pulling him close. 

“hey, no, you’re not dumb, you’re just being dumb. the great thing about being dumb, is that you can stop.” taeyong said, his words shaped through a smile. mark snickered at that. 

“oh, and i can tell you specifically how to stop being dumb right now.” taeyong said, pulling away from mark and looking him in the eyes again. he then batted him gently on the top of his head. 

“answer your texts! you dingus!”

mark grabbed his head, even though it didn’t hurt. 

“okay, okay. i will. thank you, hyung.”

“mm-hmm,” taeyong hummed happily, leaning in to press a kiss lightly to mark’s cheek. mark smiled affectionately, leaning into it. 

taeyong then stood from the bed, headed to the door. just as he was about to leave, he stopped and turned to mark again. 

“and text johnny. just please talk to him.” he said earnestly, his eyes flickering. mark nodded, giving a small smile. 

“i will.”

“i love you, mark.”

“love you, too.”

taeyong closed the door, and mark was left to himself. he sat on his bed thoughtfully, his internal monologue racing through his head and ricocheting wildly off his skull in all different directions. the one thing all his thoughts had in common was johnny. just johnny, johnny, johnny, always johnny. he wondered how he could even think about a person so much. 

he reached for his phone; it was on his floor charging somewhere. 

he didn’t look at a single notification. he went straight to calling johnny. he brought his phone to his ear, the ringing chiming through his head, his stomach turning nervously. 

after what felt like forever, johnny picked up, and spoke immediately. 

“mark, hi.” he said, gentle and deep as always, and mark could feel it in his bones, feeling like the first time all over again. he shuddered, holding his breath. he really fucking missed johnny’s voice. 

“hi...are you busy?” mark asked shyly, his other hand fiddling nervously with his sheets. johnny was silent for a short moment before his voice came through the phone again, still so clearly his, even beneath the static. 

“no! no, not at all. how are you? what’s up?” johnny said all at once, his voice edged with urgency. mark smiled, endeared. 

“i’m good, i’m fine. how are you?”

“great! so much better now.” johnny said, his voice honest, dripping in sincerity. mark felt his heart flutter at his words, just as he always did. 

“that makes me happy,” mark said, “but, hey. i think we need to talk sometime.”

“we can talk now, if you want.” johnny said eagerly. 

“no,” mark said, “i wanna talk in person. i wanna see you.”

johnny seemed stunned. he didn’t speak for a moment. 

“yeah! yeah, i wanna see you, too.” his voice sounded like he had just been told he won the lottery. it made mark want to smile. 

“are you free tomorrow? we can get dinner or something?” johnny asked quickly. 

mark’s hand gripped slightly around his phone, “yeah, i’m free tomorrow.”

“when can i pick you up?”

“seven.”

“perfect,” johnny said, and mark could hear his smile, “i’ll see you tomorrow.”

“yeah, see you tomorrow.” mark said shyly. 

“bye, mark.”

“bye.”

mark hung up. he stared at his phone for a moment, before tossing it to the side. he fell back on his bed, sighing deeply, content. 

a smile drew wide across his lips, his heart beating warmly in his chest, happy and full. 

//

johnny took them out to get ramen bowls. he insisted on paying, no matter how hard mark protested. 

“consider it my way of apologizing.” johnny said with a smirk. he looked handsome, with his hair seeming freshly washed and combed, the sleeves of his hoodie pushed up to reveal his still oddly attractive forearms. mark sat back in the booth, staring at him, smiling in return. 

“okay, but i already accepted your apology. you don’t need to apologize to me again, especially not with your literal money.” mark tried, even though he knew it was hopeless. 

“mark.” johnny said, his face flattening. 

“what.” mark said rather than asked, his smile only growing. 

“i’m buying you dinner.” johnny’s voice was deep and dark. mark sighed, throwing his head back against his seat, looking down his nose at johnny. 

“fine. i’ll pay you back one day.”

“no you won’t.”

“yes i will. i just won’t tell you when i do.”

“i will literally deactivate my venmo account.”

“stop being so stubborn! let me pay!”

“no, i won’t. i’m buying you dinner.”

mark groaned, his head hanging, finally giving up. 

“okay. fine.”

johnny bursted into a triumphant smile, his eyes squinting, flashing his perfect set of teeth. mark smiled back at him, sheepish and small, yet fond. 

“get used to this.” johnny said, a little playful glimmer sparkling in his eye. mark scrunched his nose at him before removing his attention, instead choosing to pick at the remainder of his ramen. 

“was yours good? you got the pork broth, right?” johnny asked. mark hummed affirmatively, also while nodding. 

“yeah, do you wanna try it?”

a smile grew on johnny’s mouth, “yes please.”

mark held out a spoonful to johnny’s lips, and he grabbed mark’s hand before drinking from the spoon. 

“mm,” he licked his lips, “oh yeah, that’s so good.”

“what did you get? vegetable?” mark asked. johnny wordlessly prepared a spoonful of his own broth and presented it dutifully to mark. he tasted it with a hum. 

“yo, that’s actually good.” mark said, looking to johnny excitedly. the latter giggled at him fondly, returning his spoon to his bowl. 

“yeah, i know. i want to keep eating but i’m getting full.” johnny said, placing a hand on his stomach for effect. mark huffed a laugh. 

“me too. i don’t wanna, like, get too full.”

“saving room for dessert?” johnny suggested. mark looked into his eyes, suddenly attentive. 

“can we get dessert?” he asked, hopeful and innocent. 

“yeah, of course. what do you want? i’ll take you anywhere.”

“can we get milkshakes at wendy’s?”

johnny lifted an eyebrow. 

“i said i'll take you anywhere and you wanna go to wendy’s?”

mark looked offended, “dude, have you never had a wendy’s shake before? it’s the height of luxury.” mark retorted, regarding johnny suspiciously. the latter just laughed, shaking his head. 

“okay, i believe you. i’ll take you to get wendy’s.” johnny complied. mark smiled, sweet and soft. 

“yay.” he said under his breath, leaning back against his seat again. 

they paid and got ready to leave. mark threw his jacket over his arm as johnny held the door open for him. he bowed with a smile, and they walked together to johnny’s car. 

they found a wendy’s nearby on gps. the drive was short; they were only able to turn on the radio to ‘yummy’ by justin bieber and berate it for around five minutes before they reached the mouth of the drive thru. johnny rolled down his window and ordered their shakes, and he smiled playfully as the worker asked him if that was all. 

he pulled into a parking space, in a direction they could most clearly see the sky through the windshield. it was the end of sunset, the brash redness of the sky melting into the subdued purple of dusk. 

they sat together quietly for a moment. there wasn’t much talking at first, just the radio, and glances over sips of their shakes, smiles with straws between teeth. 

mark felt perfectly comfortable, perfectly content. all he wanted was to sit with johnny forever. watching as the last few beams of orange sunlight faded over the horizon, mark felt really, really...blissful. he felt at peace, for the first time in a while. his head lolled to the side, and he caught johnny mid sip of his shake. the elder looked back into his eyes with affection swelling in his gaze. it made mark smile.

“so, we need to talk.” mark said, in the least awkward way he could think of. johnny was quick to put his shake in the cup holder and turn his attention fully to mark.

“right, sure thing. can i go first?” johnny said, seeming eager. mark lifted his eyebrows slightly in surprise, but nodded anyway, leaning closer to show he was listening. 

“okay,” johnny started, “mark lee. i am deeply sorry for being a dumb douchebag. please forgive me.”

mark scoffed, rolling his eyes. 

“dude, i already forgave you like, forty times. you don’t have to apologize to me anymore.” mark responded. 

“i know,” johnny whined, “but i really, really mean it. i’m really sorry, mark. i was being a big stupidhead because i didn’t know how to explain to taeyong that we had a thing, and i didn’t want to let him down.”

“johnny,” mark breathed, “it’s fine, really.”

“but, like, still,” johnny continued, “i wasn’t even completely sure at the time if we were a thing. i thought i scared you off when i asked to kiss you. i thought i probably ruined things with you anyway. i waited at the apartment that day to talk it out, maybe try again, and then taeyong came home. and then, of course, you came home…” johnny trailed off, but he didn’t need to continue. mark pouted, just slightly, his heart throbbing sadly in his chest. 

“i’m sorry i didn’t kiss you that night, johnny.”

“oh, don’t apologize for that,” johnny insisted immediately with stern eyes, “i think it was for the better, anyway.”

“yeah, me too,” mark said, “but...i was just so scared. well, first of all, i’ve never been with a guy, so that was a factor, but mostly, i was scared that you just...didn’t like me.”

johnny shook his head, looking absolutely baffled. 

“you thought i didn’t like you? i asked to kiss you! i was trying so hard for you the whole time to see that i liked you. literally the second i met you i asked you to smoke with me, and i took your picture and called you beautiful.” johnny said all at once, almost desperate. mark looked at him with flustered eyes, his cheeks rosy, his bottom lip jutting out in a small pout. 

“i know, and i noticed all of it, trust me. you just have to realize that like, for the majority of the time i knew you, the only things i knew about you were that you were flirty, but you were also fooling around with my roommate. i don’t know, i thought maybe that’s just how you acted with everybody. and when you asked to kiss me, i still felt like it made sense that you wouldn’t want to kiss me because you wanted to, but because you wanted my body.” mark finished shyly, seeing the way that johnny’s eyes glimmered. 

“mark,” johnny said, leaning in, looking him straight in the eyes, “i liked fooling around with taeyong because he’s hot. i like flirting with you because i like you. you’re hot and everything else there is. you’re perfect, mark. i really like you. all of you. every centimeter of you.” his voice ended breathless. every word hit mark like a blow to the chest. in a good way, kind of. johnny took a breath, looking like he was preparing himself. 

“god, i really like you, mark.” his words fell from his lips like honey, sweet and wholesome and crystal clear. 

“i really like you, johnny.” mark managed back in a whisper, his face hot, so hot he felt like he was steaming. johnny smiled at him faintly; the whisper of a smile. 

they had leaned impossibly closer, their arms touching on the center console. mark moved to link their fingers, their palms pressing together. johnny angled his head, his eyes flickering to mark’s lips, which parted as he felt johnny’s gaze on him. his attention was so strong that it felt like his eyes were going to burn holes through mark’s skin. he couldn’t care less. he’d let johnny do anything he wanted. 

“can i kiss you?” johnny purred, deep and breathless. mark could feel the air of his words bat against his lips, warm, intense. 

this time, he wasn’t afraid. 

“yes.” he answered in a whisper, barely audible. he let his eyes fall closed, pushing into johnny’s heat. he met him halfway, their lips finally crashing together. 

mark felt like there were fireworks going off in his brain. he felt their lips moving together, and a breath shot into his lungs through his nose, making his back arch into johnny, who welcomed him happily, pressing his lips harder into the kiss, wider, hungrier. mark felt like he was going to start flying, his nervous system exploding with sparks, the butterflies in his stomach singing chorus music. 

kissing a boy wasn’t as weird as he thought it would be. in fact, it kinda felt amazing. mark’s eyelids fluttered whenever johnny would move his mouth against his in just the right way, and sparks would fly through his veins all the way through his toes when johnny would push into him roughly, making him want to shudder against his lips. mark thought that, yeah, he really, really liked this. 

after a while, johnny’s tongue prodded at mark’s already kiss-swollen lips, silently asking permission. mark responded by parting his lips, slow and uneasy. johnny accepted graciously, his tongue creeping through mark’s lips. 

mark pushed into mark, desperate, their tongues clashing together, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. his hand gripped johnny’s tighter, whimpering slightly into his mouth. he couldn’t get enough. 

johnny pulled away, and he was absolute art to look at, his cheeks flushed a pretty pink and his lips swollen and full, cherry red. mark wanted to kiss him again so bad. 

johnny’s eyes sparked, and he pulled out his phone. before mark could figure out what he was doing, he held it up, and snapped a photo. 

“ugh, why.” mark groaned. 

“you’re pretty. and i wanna remember the way you look right now forever.” johnny replied simply, as if he were stating a common truth that everyone should know. mark thought of pouting for a moment, but he smirked instead, and grabbed his own phone from his pocket. he opened the camera and held it up. johnny didn’t notice; he was still admiring his own shot on his phone

“hey.” mark said, just to get his attention. johnny perked his head up, with the cutest little inquisitive look on his face. mark snapped a shot. johnny blinked, but then he broke in to a smile, wide and glittering brightly. mark couldn’t stop himself from taking another picture. johnny giggled, and he surged forward, pressing a searing kiss into mark’s lips. the younger melted against him, returning with the same passion. 

after some time they broke away again, panting. 

“here, let’s move.” johnny suggested. he abandoned the drivers seat quickly, fumbling awkwardly with his tall ass limbs to get into the back seats. as he did, he laid down across them, and gestured for mark to follow him. he began to crawl after him into the backseats, his cheeks flushed, a little flustered. 

johnny couldn’t keep his hands away. he helped mark position himself so he was straddling the elder. 

their lips crashed again, intense and fiery. it was like a fuse was lit, and they had only seconds before it would all be over. probably because they waited so long; both of them did. time disappeared and was replaced with each other. johnny’s hands slid up underneath mark’s shirt, making him shudder in his hands, and all they had the capacity to even think about in that moment was each other. it felt like the planet had stopped moving, that time stopped passing, and all that existed was them, together, in the backseats of johnny’s car. it felt amazing; mark felt alive for the very first time. he thought he wouldn't rather be anywhere else in the whole universe at any given point in time than in johnny’s lap, his hands on his skin, his lips on his lips. he wanted it no other way. 

johnny made a soft sound into mark’s mouth, and he swallowed it hungrily, raking his hands through johnny’s hair, cupping his face, tugging at his shirt collar, getting his hands anywhere he possibly could. there was so much johnny, so much to explore and cherish. mark was so excited to finally get fucking started. he wanted to know everything there was to know about johnny in every context. 

mark moved his lips to johnny’s jaw, trailing down his neck, pressing his tongue to the warm skin and suckling on it gently. johnny groaned, leaning into the contact desperately, his hands sliding to mark’s hips, pushing their bodies close together. mark trailed his kisses down to johnny’s collarbone, then to his adam’s apple, sucking on it lightly, nipping at the skin with his teeth. johnny moaned softly, his voice fragile and pretty, and mark wanted to take the sound and put it in a locket and keep it on him forever. it was music to his ears. he wanted more. 

mark began sucking hard on the skin of johnny’s neck. he grinded his hips down, slowly, in small circles. johnny nearly choked, his hands hardening around mark’s hips, jutting up into his movement despite resisting. johnny hummed, deep and lewd, making a shiver run up mark’s back. 

“you’re so hot, mark.” he nearly growled. mark whimpered, barely audible, but enough to make johnny’s hips kick up into his again. johnny raked his hands up to cup mark’s face, pulling him up until their lips were level again, but not touching. he held him there, teasing his lips over his, feeling his breath fan over his face.

“baby, you can’t keep doing this to me.” the words practically dripped from johnny’s lips. mark pushed forward, pressing a small kiss to his mouth. 

“why not?” mark whispered back, his voice fluttery with teasing. johnny pulled mark’s head down and brought his lips to his neck. his breath hitting warmly directly against mark’s ear made him shudder. 

“because if you do, i’m gonna want to fuck the shit out of you right here.” johnny growled. the words hit mark like a brick to the head, and he immediately shot up, sitting up in johnny’s lap. he looked around out the windows. the sun was set and it was dark, but it wasn’t late enough to literally have sex in a wendy’s parking lot. 

“but there’s people around!” mark whisper-shouted back to johnny. the elder just ran his hands up mark’s thighs, gripping tight, and then traveling up to settle on his hips again, admiring his body with a heavy, warm gaze. his eyes felt like magma. 

“i don’t care.” he said, deeply, and he meant it, mark could feel it in the way he said it. 

as much as the thought excited him, mark felt it just wasn’t the right time...certainly not the right place. 

“it’s getting late.” mark said through a smile, shy and flustered. johnny grinned back at him, huffing a sweet laugh. 

“yeah. do you want me to take you home?”

“can you just stay the night?” mark asked. johnny laughed, his hands running up mark’s sides affectionately. 

“sure, if taeyong’s fine with it.”

mark placed his hands over johnny’s, staring him in the eyes. 

“oh c’mon, taeyong will be fine with it.” mark nearly whined.

“ask him anyway.” johnny said. mark groaned, rolling his eyes, yet he was smiling. he patted his pocket for his phone, but he didn’t feel it. he patted his other pockets. he threw his head back, groaning again. 

“i lost my phone.”

“did you even look for it?” johnny asked, raising an eyebrow. mark flopped forward, landing on johnny’s chest. the elder wrapped his arms around him immediately, placing his chin in his hair, holding him close. 

“mmn, i’m too lazy. can you just call me?” mark asked innocently. if he were looking at johnny, he would have used his puppy eyes. he didn’t need to, though. johnny was quick to pull out his phone, dutifully finding mark’s contact and calling his number. 

they sat in silence for a moment before they heard the buzzing. they looked around simultaneously, trying to find where it was coming from. johnny perked then, dropping his own phone out of his hand. 

“it’s in the front seat.” he said. mark was about to ask him to get it for him, but before he could say anything, johnny was already reaching for it. even though it jostled him a bit laying on his chest, he smiled through it, endeared. 

johnny was about to hand mark his phone, but something stopped him, his eyes glued to the screen. then, his mouth broke into a wide grin, and he giggled softly, looking at mark with playful eyes. 

“what?” mark asked desperately, his nerves bunching in his stomach. johnny laughed again, sweet and fond. 

“how long have you had a heart emoji next to my name?” johnny asked. 

mark buried his face in johnny’s chest to hide his quickly reddening cheeks, a groan muffled in his hoodie. johnny laughed again, hearty and full of love, wrapping his arms around mark, holding him close, kissing the top of his head. 

“oooh my god, this is so humiliating.” mark said miserably. johnny carded his fingers instinctively through mark’s hair, planting one more kiss to his head. 

“i think it’s cute!” johnny retaliated cheerfully, “don’t change it, okay? it’s cute.”

“noooo.” mark groaned into johnny’s chest again, nuzzling into his warmth. johnny poked him in the head with the corner of his phone, and he groaned again, finally lifting his head and taking it back, texting taeyong to tell him johnny was sleeping over. 

by the time they had transitioned back into the front seats, taeyong had responded with enthusiastic approval, and a lot of exclamation points. mark showed the message to johnny, and they laughed over it together as he started the ignition and the car roared to life. 

johnny turned up the radio, and mark smiled, leaning into johnny’s space, his head ghosting over his shoulder. johnny stopped for a moment before he did anything else, his hands unmoving on the volume dial like he was thinking. he turned to mark then, a smile soft on his lips. 

“hey, i have one more thing to embarrass you with, real quick.”

mark looked at him with helpless eyes, and johnny laughed at his expression. 

“hey, c’mon, don’t look at me like that! it’s not that bad. here, i got you something.”

johnny reached into his hoodie pocket and withdrew something, keeping it enclosed in his fist until he presented it to mark. 

it was a lighter; a neon green one that matched the one johnny had that mark liked. he gasped, taking it from his hand and holding it up to his face with a wide grin. 

“turn it over.” johnny said through a smirk. mark flipped it, and immediately noticed the big, brightly colored B-F-F stickers down the side of the plastic. he huffed a laugh, looking at johnny with hooded eyes in a faux glare. 

“you seriously did it? you got us matching lighters?” mark asked, his tone sarcastic. johnny grinned at him and nodded, popping open the sunglasses compartment of his car and pulling out his own green lighter. he handed it to mark. 

“sorry i shopped without you, but there’s stickers in the glove compartment. you can decorate mine however you want.” johnny said, his voice fond, ringing through every one of mark’s ribs. he felt his heart flutter helplessly, melting in his seat, staring at johnny with a small, watery smile on his lips. 

“you didn’t.”

“i did. open the glove compartment.”

mark opened the glove compartment. sure enough, there were sticker sheets galore; rainbows, unicorns, and everything else in between. mark grabbed at them excitedly, unable to help the playful grin that spread across his face. johnny watched him with affectionate eyes, then finally began pulling out of the parking space. he thought to himself that he probably just spent the most time he ever would on wendy’s property, and he smiled at that thought, glancing over at mark in the passenger seat, just for a fleeting moment, before turning his attention back to the road. 

the ride to mark’s apartment was not at all quiet. mark kept chattering happily, excitedly rambling about whatever he could, carefully placing stickers on every spot of the lighter that he could possibly fit. they sang along to the radio together, talked together, laughed together. 

all the way home, johnny would glance and stare at mark when he wasn’t looking, whenever he could. he wished he could take a photo of him in each of those moments. he couldn’t wait to be with mark, for real now. he couldn’t wait to fill hard drives with photos of mark, spend every day studying him and his picturesque beauty. 

johnny’s eyes fleeted to mark again at a red light. he was staring out the window, those puppy dog eyes of his wide and glittery, always so infatuated with everything around him. johnny stared at him for a long while, and almost missed the green light. he just couldn't look away. deep within him, a fire crackled and burned brightly, made him feel warm and fuzzy all over. mark made him feel some way he never felt before; something he wanted to feel for the rest of his life. he smiled sheepishly to himself, biting his lip, his heart fluttering wistfully in his chest. 

distantly, johnny wondered if he was in love. 

it took one more glance at mark, this time catching him staring back, perking up as he was caught, quickly and shyly turning away, giggling softly. that was all it took. johnny turned his vision back to the road, a smile pulling hard and relentlessly at his lips, his cheeks warm. 

and, yeah. he was definitely in love.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments always appreciated :] thank you so much for reading !! i care you <3


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